Restraining orders, reckless driving, resisting arrest...
Do you have what it takes to make Team Goodell?
Last week, we compiled a detonating roster of offensive talent that could have starred in â€œThe Longest Yard.â€ This week, we put the de-linquent in de-fender.
We begin with the star player who receives preferential treatment. Heâ€™s the star who can arrive late to training camp, half-ass it during practice and fall asleep during film sessions. On the Giants, it was Lawrence Taylor. The Redskins had John Riggins and the 76ers had Allen Iverson. But the all-time preferential treatment story comes from the great Red Aurebach.
One day, Bill Russell strolls in during a Celtic practice and sits down to read a newspaper. While conducting drills, teammates noticed Russell out of uniform relaxing in the bleachers. When one player voiced his displeasure, Aurebach stopped practice, called his team to the middle of the floor and made the following assertion; â€œFellas, there are two sets of rules for this team: One for all of you...and one for that man over there.â€
Itâ€™s one of my favorite stories of all-time. Simply classic!
On this team, we have that star among stars. He gets first dibs on the team jumpsuits and first-class service in the mess hall. We even have teammates pick up his soap in the showers. Thatâ€™s how much he means to Team Goodell. He is none other than Adam â€œPacmanâ€ Jones.
Who gives a crap about the Wonderlic test? Pacman rocked a 187 on his Penal Code exam. He is our team captain and unanimous MVP (Most Valuable Prisoner). But just like any great criminal, he needs help. Here is the rest of the D for Team Goodell:
Defensive End - Jared Allen (Kansas City Chiefs)
Charged with DUI for the second time in five months. He is suspended for the first four games of the regular season for violating the leagueâ€™s substance-abuse policy and the ultimate crime? He wore a Speedo on Halloween. That alone should get him five to ten.
Defensive End - Frostee Rucker (Cincinnati Bengals)
Ok, who had the over/under at three players before we got to a
Defensive Tackle - Jonathan Babineaux (Atlanta Falcons)
Busted at his
Outside Linebacker - Joey Porter (Miami Dolphins)
Orchestrated the group attack on Bengal offensive lineman Levi Jones at a
Inside Linebacker - A.J. Nicholson (Unemployed)
1) Broke into the apartment of a
2) Burglary & Grand Theft
Cincy cut him the same day he made a court appearance for allegedly striking his girlfriend. To be fair, the girlfriend changed her story and explained that her bruised eye was self-inflicted when she hit herself with a cell phone. Yeah, and Iâ€™m replacing Kofi Annan with Don Imus.
Inside Linebacker - Dhani Jones (Unemployed)
The Eagles released Jones but we brought him in to serve as halftime entertainment. Why? Because he failed to obey a lawful command after he allegedly refused to stop dancing outside a
Outside Linebacker - Steve Foley (Unemployed)
By far my favorite hoodlum so far. The former Charger was stopped for DUI and shot three times by an off-duty police officer in
Free Safety - Sean Taylor (Washington Redskins)
Let me first state the obvious; there is no such thing as a â€œfreeâ€ safety on Team Goodell, itâ€™s an oxymoron.
Strong Safety - Terrence Kiel (Unemployed)
Give Terrence credit for not attempting to conceal his issues. He was tracked down at the
Cornerback - Deltha Oâ€™Neal (Cincinnati Bengals)
Picked up a DWI after being stopped at a traffic checkpoint. There is no sense in trying to match Pacman on the opposite side of the field so I decided to finish with another