The Pittsburgh Steelers…the name alone makes my skin crawl and the moment I type it or say it I can almost feel my body recoil into a defensive posture. With every fiber of my being I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers!
Some will tell you that “hate” is a pretty strong word and that it is tossed around so casually despite an absence of genuine malice. Not in my case!
· Hate, noun: intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury
· Hate, verb: to feel extreme enmity toward
Is there a stronger word to describe my hostility and/or aversion towards the Steelers?
After consulting Webster’s online dictionary, these definitions don’t seem strong enough to describe my angst towards that team. So for me saying, “I hate the Steelers” is akin to saying it’s a bit warm when the thermometer outside is pushing 105 degrees.
Despite the “extreme enmity”, there is a respect I have for the team and its organization. How can you not respect 20 divisional titles, 8 AFC Championship berths and 6 Super Bowl Trophies? You have to, right? They have reached a level of consistent competency that I yearn for, for the B’more Ravens.
And for all you silly people who say, “The Steelers Suck!” well now doesn’t that make you sound a bit cerebrally challenged? Don’t talk like a Steelers’ fan. That’s just dumb. They don’t suck. Isn’t that obvious?
So why do I harbor all this hate?
Well, I’ll be man enough to admit that part of it is jealousy. Yes I’d love for the Baltimore Ravens to have the Steelers’ resume and yes back in 2008, I wish Daren Stone would not have had a head of stone when he hit that Steelers player late and out of bounds costing the Ravens critical field position as they were on the verge of a comeback and another trip to Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, FL – a magical kingdom of sorts for the purple and black.
I hate, hate, hate the Pittsburgh Steelers and I can say it without it weighing on my conscience one iota. And here are myTop 10 reasons why:
10. The Black and “Gold”: I know black and yellow doesn’t sound as glorious but to call the Steelers other color “gold” is, well just yellow. It’s YELLOW! YELL-OH! Deal with it!
9. Stairway-2-7: An obvious reference to the franchise’s quest for their 7th Super Bowl title. It’s corny and it will now forever taint a classic rock and roll standard from Led Zeppelin. The lyrics read, “All that glitters is gold”, not YELLOW!
8. Yinzers: Look you knuckleheads, you live in the United States so learn how to speak the language. Unfortunately when you call businesses today you are often greeted by a voice prompt that says “press 1 for English.” That’s bad enough but soon, instead of Spanish it will say, “Press 2 for Yinz.”
7. Bill Cowher: Just when I think I’m over this say-it-don’t-spray-it human Bidet, this smug Cleveland reject and every inch of his exaggerated Dudley Do-Right chin has to remind us of his black and yellow roots which make his objectivity about as pure as a hazmat truck.
6. LaMarr Woodley: Would love to have him on my team but his pompousness and that post sack dance of his which looks like my response to the practologist’s exam.
5. Heinz Field: No wonder so many of the Steelers’ fans feel so at home at Heinz Field – it looks like a cow pasture. The middle of the “turf” area has been described by some Steelers as a sand pit. Where else in the NFL do teams allow high school games to be played on their home “grass” field the night before hosting a game?
Have you ever seen a towering punt land on a grass field and just stick like a Phil Michelson approach shot? It happened at Heinz Field in 2007 when the Steelers hosted the Dolphins.
4. Steely McBeam: The team mascot looks like the love child of Bill Cowher and Hines Ward.
3. Terrible Towels: What does a boxer’s corner do when their guy can’t answer the bell? They throw in the towel, right? So how is it that a towel (an ugly freakin’ towel at that) can be a rallying prop? Isn’t this yet another example of how cerebrally challenged the Steelers fans are? Yet somehow they all seemed to be comfortably numb to the irony, anesthetized by the aroma of three rivers perhaps?
2. Bandwagon Fans: You’ve heard the term “fox hole guy” before I’m sure. He’s the kind of guy that you know has your back if he’s your friend regardless of the circumstances. Bandwagon fans in Baltimore are just the opposite.
Look if you are from Pittsburgh and you live in Baltimore, I get it. I wouldn’t want to live in Pittsburgh either. And if you cheer for your team, fine. But natives of Baltimore who adopted the Steelers when the Colts left town and they STILL root for the Steelers despite the presence of the Ravens, for the life of me, I don’t get you; don’t understand you; can’t look at you; I hate you!
1D. Cockroaches: Steelers fans are everywhere. Chances are that if you head over to Cairo, Egypt right now amongst all of the looting, rioting, chaos and explosions, there’s some dive bar in a rat infested part of town with a bunch of fat toothless women waving a Terrible Towel drinking an “Arn” City Lite and have no idea why they are doing either.
1C. Lucky SOB’s: Has any call in any important game ever gone against the Steelers? It all started with Franco Harris’ Immaculate Reception back in 1972 and it hasn’t stopped since.
1B. Ben Roethlisberger: This guy should be a poster child for stupidity. He’s got the world by the cojones, a $100+ million contract yet joy rides on a crotch rocket and decides to use his head to test the resistance of windshields. Then as a 26 year old multi-millionaire, he runs around bars all over America, stiffs bartenders and waitresses despite being the wealthiest person in those establishments and then invites borderline minors for “joyrides” in the men’s room. But the only thing the Yinzers care about is their Stairway-2-7 and morals be damned! And now that he’s married we’re all suppose to believe he’s a new man. Please…
1A. Hines Ward: Consistently voted among the dirtiest if not the dirtiest player in the league by his peers, Whines Hard has the stones to criticize the NFL for wanting to extend the season to 18 games. He chastises the league for promoting safety yet wanting to put the players in the line of fire 2 more games each season.
On the surface, he has a point but it’s hard for a hypocrite to accuse another of being hypocritical. Wards’ cheap shots suggest he’s hardly concerned about the safety of his peers. One day before the pumpkinhead retires, I hope that when he gets up after a hard hit and smiles, that his pearly whites crumble like a Steelers fan taking an IQ test.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get my Hines Ward voodoo doll ready for tomorrow’s game.