Merry Christmas folks!
As we spend our day last-minute shopping (every single man reading this, likely while you wait in a checkout line) and anxiously pondering what gifts await our unwrapping tomorrow (don’t act like you haven’t done it already), I begin to wonder… what are the boys in Black and Purple asking for on this joyous and awkwardly warm holiday?
Luckily for you, I know a guy who knows a guy who dresses up like Santa, who went bar hopping with a bunch of other Santas and I have what I believe is a legit Ravens Wish List.
Joe Flacco– American Crew Pomade
While the debate on Flacco’s ‘elite’ status as a quarterback continues to remain in flux, there’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that Flacco’s hair is truly ELITE. The man’s hair game is on point (I border on envious myself) and a little pomade can go a long way to keeping that elite hair status in check.
Also on the list: Those little backpack/leashes for the kids to keep them all in check while he heals up at home.
John Harbaugh- Bengay/Excedrin Migrane
Through all of the injuries, stupid penalties, horrible officiating, questionable challenges and last-second loses in what can only be described as a dumpster fire of a year for the Ravens, we’ve seen John Harbaugh turn redder than Rudolph’s nose on Christmas, and angrier than the Grinch when the Who’s are singing that song which a bunch of random sounds (fa-hoo-dor-hey?)
A little Bengay for that neck pain and Excedrin Migraine for that never-ending headache should do wonders for Harbaugh.
Also on the list: A pallet of lumber to build a bigger doghouse (Too many bodies-not enough space).
Dean Pees- Luggage
Whether or not you choose to blame the Ravens’ defensive woes on the coordinator or the talent on the field (or lack thereof) I think it’s safe to say it’s time for Dean to… Pees… out?
A nice new set of luggage to pack up his things and head out of town would be perfect.
Also on the list: A phone call from any team, at any level.
Buck Allen– Crazy Glue
Buck Allen’s recent fumblitis has been slightly concerning. His ball security issue eventually forced the hand of Harbaugh, who stuck Buck in the doghouse for the final three quarters and change last week, and with only two weeks left in the season, Buck really needs all of the reps he can get.
Since Stickum is illegal… maybe a little Crazy Glue would help Buck get back into good graces with the coach? Or pine tar? Or maybe some Spider Man gloves?
Also on the list: A ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card, effective only for Harbaugh’s dog house.
Lardarius Webb– Rogaine
Not to say that Webby is balding by any means, but have you ever noticed that Webb hacking off his hair kinda sorta coincided with the fall off of his game?
Slapping a little Rogaine on his head could help expedite the hair growth process, bring back the Webb dreads, and who knows? Maybe his game returns to what it once was…
Also on the list: A Neuralyzer from Men in Black to help Ravens fans forget about his 2015 performance.
Brandon Williams– Wheelbarrow(s)
There’s not much Brandon Williams will need to ask for, as he’s destined for a chunky contract in the offseason, giving him the disposable income to buy whatever he wants.
But physically moving that upfront money around will be a task for Williams. Since armored trucks aren’t exactly in Santa’s price range, perhaps a few wheelbarrows will do the trick.
And yes, I know that money is not actually handed over in bills but if I were Williams? I’d ask for it ALL in 20’s and push that wheelbarrow around my house all. Day. LONG.
Also on the list: A PRO BOWL INVITE. Snubbed for Dontari Poe? Are you freaking kidding me???
Ozzie Newsome– Magic 8 Ball
Let’s be honest with each other for a moment here- Ozzie’s draft picks of late have become more of a crap shoot than a sure thing, especially those early-round selections (Elam and Kindle anybody?).
Since Ozzie doesn’t seem to be ready to relinquish his post anytime soon, perhaps a magic 8 ball can provide a little additional insight into next year’s selections (it can’t be any worse than the current system, right?).
Also on the list: A solid 1st round pick. One that isn’t injury prone. One that makes an impact immediately. And most important of all, one that keeps the ‘Time to Oust Ozzie’ talk to a minimum.
Jimmy Smith- Prescription Visor
Maybe Jimmy’s fall from grace has nothing to do with his hesitance to play up close to his man, inevitably leaving Jimmy choking on the dust of the receiver blowing past him for a big gain.
Maybe it’s simply that his depth perception is shoddy and he’s in dire need of some glasses. And since glasses on the field would make Smith a (bigger) liability, perhaps a prescription-grade visor will do the trick!
Also on the list: A massive roll of bubble wrap- PERFECT for that special athlete in your life who can’t make it through an entire season without an injury!
Timmy Jernigan– Shock Collar
Initially this sounds inhumane (or really creepy) but it makes total sense: Timmy told the media after last week’s loss that he’s not going to apologize for his late hit out of bounds of Chiefs QB Alex Smith. And I think everyone of us know how unbelievably obvious and not even close that hit was.
Throw a shock collar on him, set the parameters for the sidelines, and BOOM! Timmy gets a little ‘jolt’ when he gets too close to the sideline. I mean it’s the only way to keep him flag-free moving forward… (other than riding the pine)
Also on the list: Green spray paint to make those ridiculous sidelines ‘disappear.’
Maxx Williams– Another X for his name
The TE-1-by-Default Maxx Williams already brings an extra ‘X’ to the table. So why would Williams want to add a 3rd ‘X’ to his name? Simply to add to his current collection of tattoos with this sweet Vin Diesel tat from the movie Triple X!
Also on the list: One less tight end on the roster for some breathing room.
MERRY CHRISTMAS RAVENS NATION!!!