Here’s how I imagine the conversation between Charles Davis, Thom Brennaman, and the Fox Sports folks went last week:
Fox Sports Guys: Okay, Thom & Charles, we have you two assigned to the Ravens at Bengals 1pm game.
Brennaman: Aren’t they both AFC teams? Why are we getting this game?
Fox Sports Guys: Yes, and because we said so.
Davis: Can I still incoherently ramble on all broadcast long, like I’m the reincarnated John Madden towards the end of his career?
Brennaman: Oh! And can I act like I know how to call a game then stumble over my own words trying to correct myself?
Fox Sports Guys: Do you know how to call a game any other way, guys?
(collective chuckling, Brennaman tries to make a corny joke, Davis talks over him, and the Fox Guys hang up immediately)
What an absolutely disgraceful broadcast team the Ravens were stuck with in their final week of the regular season. Sure, the match-up of McCarron versus Mallet (don’t peg me for ‘that guy’- I know that’s not an actual head-to-head matchup) isn’t the most riveting television, but for CBS to air Pittsburgh at CLEVELAND? THAT, my friends, is a total slap in the face!
I’d love to list every ridiculous quote in this game, but I fear it may rekindle some hostility you may have had Sunday, leading to a mouse thrown at your computer screen or phone smashed on the ground… but I’m willing to take that risk, so here we go!
Charles Davis on McCarron:
“Hue Jackson, the offensive coordinator, and Marvin Lewis.. they never totally reduced the playbook, but today, they need to make it full and he needs to play and be the starter of this team.”
So… a couple things here Charles… 1) What? 2) McCarron has started 4 games now for Cincy, so I’m not sure where you’ve been since Week 14…
Charles Davis on Ryan Mallet:
“What’s impressed me the most about him so far is how accurate he’s been at putting the ball in good places for receivers.”
This was the play that Davis was referring to:
Super accurate throw there by Mallet! Great call Davis!
Let’s mix in a little Thom Brennaman on Sam Koch‘s second punt of the day:
“Short punt… and out of bounds and the Bengals… the Bengals are going to get really good field position.”
So about that Thom…
Then Brennaman trying to call a play as if he pays attention to the AFC whatsoever:
“BIG, strong running by Javorius “Buck” Allen, the rookie out of U-S-C – I’m sorry, that’s Terrence West…”
Good thing that only happened once, right?
“And a catch made by Clay!”
Wait… wasn’t that Kamar Aiken?
This one was my favorite from Charles Davis:
“Guys, Ryan Mallet. Texarkana, Texas. You know who he was as a kid? He was a kid who just wanted to throw at everything. He was the one who threw rocks at cans. He was the one who threw the baseball, threw it and won the contest. He was that guy. Anytime you want to throw the ball Ryan Mallet was up for throwing it.”
How do you know this Charles?! Did he tell you this?! What contest are you referring to?! Did you reach out to his mother for this information?!
“He’s been preparing for this game since the day he came out of momma.”
Okay maybe just one more by Davis that had me fuming:
“And he may have gotten away with one of those great pushes at the end… yup nice little job. Nice suttle… the best receivers in the game get a little extra on that.”
That was Davis’ call on the AJ Green completion down to the 5, and according to Davis, Green had a “great push.”
Hey Charles… I’m not sure if you have ever looked into this thing called a rule book, but a push downfield with the ball in the air? That’s kinda, sorta deemed pass interference, and there kinda, sorta should be a flag thrown for it. In essence, you’re suggesting AJ Green is one of the best, because the officials allow him to commit a penalty without any ramifications which is kinda, sorta WRONG.
You can essentially sum up the entire broadcast with one thought.
These two were terrible. Without a doubt the worst pairing I’ve seen this season, and this week was only slight worse than a few weeks back when they pledged their allegiance to the Seahawks in their game against the Ravens. I would have rather had Frank Caliendo doing an impression of literally any NFL broadcasting personality. I would have rather had Dennis Miller come back to the booth. I would have rather listened to Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder call the game… you get my point.
But at least we had Goose, his Grizzly coat paying homage to The Reverant, and this funky dance!
By the way…
Image of the Game
So question- where were all of the Bengals fans Sunday?
This shot was taken at the end of the 1st quarter. The game was close (0-0 qualifies as close), it was early, and if the Bengals win they increased their chances of a 1st round bye… and yet look at the empty seats!
Also a quick reminder to everybody:
Enjoy those division champ tee shirts Cincy fans and we’ll see you on the links in a week!