OFL: News from a league only slightly different from our own...

**sailorsam** · 09-13-2006, 05:11 PM

***OFL Results for the weekend of 09/10
BALMER RAVENS 27, GREATER TAMPA METROPOLITAN AREA BUCS 0
The Ravens crushed the defending OFL South champs on the road, led by a defense that pitched a shutout and forced three turnovers, and an offense that dominated time of posession.
Braven Coach Rian Rillick was happy with his offense. "In terms of the greater parameters of field position, I believe we optimised our opportunities and succeeded in implementing our primary goals, game-wise", he said at the post-game press conference. "Although I do believe there is room for improvement, both statistically, and in the overall metrics of our performance."
Assistant Coach Trex Ryan praised his Defense. "D kick butt! D kick butt!", commented Coach Ryan. "Aghrarwoofwoofwoof!!!"
New Ravens QB Stevie Ray McNair enjoyed his Raven debut. "I'd like to thank the line for keeping Simeon Rice off of me", Mcnair said. "That dude got killer bad breath. And thanks to Kyle Baller for spelling me in the fouth quarter. My in-laws were in town, and Coach Rillick let me leave early so we could do dinner." The Ravens host the AlDavisRaiders this Sunday.
VISKINGS 19, SKINS 16 The Viskings presented their new coach, Scott Whatshisname, with a season opening win on the road in front of a record-setting crowd of over 90,000 partially inebriated D.C. area yuppie scum.
Skins Coach St. Joe Gibbs blamed the loss partly on the early absence of receivers Biff Brickshaw and Terry Panic. "We got to the stadium in time, but we didn't know about (Skins Owner Disco Don) Snyder's new policy", explained Brickshaw after the game.
The new policy charges players, coaches and staff $100 to park in the employee lot at FedEx Field. "I don't keep any cash in the Lexus, and didn't have anything but a Discover card, which they wouldn't take. We had to ride out to Springfied to find an ATM. We didn't get in the locker room till the second quarter. Man, that sucked."
Skins spokesperson Biff Weasel declined comment when asked whether the new policy affected the game. "You honestly expect me to talk about that? Cheese, gimme a break" Weasel stated.
FINS 24, PIGSBURGH 17 The Miami Fins edged Pigsburgh in the OFL season opener Thursday night. The game keyed in the fouth quarter, when an apparent touchdown catch by Stealer receiver Biff Goober was overturned. "Goober stepped out of bounds at the two. I mean, it wasn't even close" explained Referee Art Spindle.
Pigsburgh fullback Johnny Gone fumbled on the ensuing play, and the Fins were able to capitalize with a 95 yard touchdown drive. Fins qb Undaunted Culpepper described how coach Nick Sabean encouraged him on the final drive. "Coach said, if I threw another pick, I was walking back to Miami. Man, I didn't want to be out on the I-95 corridor at night."
Profootball24x7 ace reporter George T. Snoop asked Culpepper if he'd ever been forced to walk back after a road loss. "Yes, one night after the Lyons beat us", Culpepper replied. "Lord, Detroit at night is a scary place."
BINGLES 23, CHEFS 10 Sincinatti won its opener, bolstered by the early release of four if its linebackers. "The Judge had just won $50 when Tiger Woods won that last tournament, and he was in a good mood and gave let them all go, man, that was nice of him" said a happy Coach Martin after the game.
Other OFL Winners; Iggles, SeeHawks, Yets, Rams (yes, the Rams won), Patriarchs, Falcones, Zaints, Da Bears, Yags, BiCards, Coults and Chagers.

**sailorsam** · 09-20-2006, 05:21 PM

***WEEK 2 OFL RESULTS***
BALMER RAVENS 28, OAKLAND ALDAVISRAIDERS 6 The Ravens opened the season 2-0, dominating the visiting 'Raiders, including a defense that forced 6 turnovers. Nevertheless, the Ravens locker room was surprisingly subdued after the game.
"Hey, any team can score 28 with four touches, but how many can do that with only two?" asked Coach Rian Rillick in an attempt to positively spin the result. "Right?"
Ravens players were also relatively subdued after the win. LB Rave Lewis was especially disheartened. "Did you hear what Louisville did to The U last night? Awful. 'How the mighty are fallen'", commented Lewis.
The scene was no happier in the visitors locker room. "Great googly moogly. I finally get my clipboard back, and look at the team I get stuck with. I mean, we can't even get the center snap right," moaned Coach Art Upshell. "This is worse than the other bunch I had."
ProFootball24x7 reporter George T. Snoop asked Coach Upshell whether Al Davis was still capable of running an NFL franchise. "You honestly expect me to answer that? Man, get out of here."
This week, the Ravens visit the Cleveland Brownies.
DALLAS COWMEN 27, DC SKINS 10 On Sunday night the Cowmen impressively downed the now 0-2 Skins led by QB Threw Bledsoe (237 yards, 2 tds, 0 interceptions). When asked about Bledsoe's reducing his turnovers (12 in last weeks lost to the Jax, none Sunday night), Coach Bill Hardsell icily suggested "Me and Bled had a little talk."
Asked later about 'the talk' Bledsoe refused comment, but was seen to wander off holding his wrist and wimpering "I'll be a good quarterback, I'll be a good quarterback."
Skins owner Disco Don Snyder was not happy. "It's not fair. (Dallas owner) J.R. Jones has almost as much dinero as moi, and now his team beats mine."
JAGSONVILLE JAX 9, PIGSBURGH 0 Pigsburgh Coach Bill Chin praised his defense after Monday night's game. "We held those turkeys to nine points. Nine! Ha ha ha!" Asked about his quarter back's performance Coach Chin grew weepy. "Did you see that? Just hours after an appendectomy, he goes out and leads the team, throws for 147 yards. Just makes you want to cry. In a manly sort of way."
The sentimental mood was abruptly shattered when 24x7 reporter George T. Snoop pointed out that the Stealers had been shut out and defeated. "No!" snapped Coach Chin. "We're the Pigsburgh Freaking Stealers! We've never lost a game! The freaking Zebras ended it on us when we were making our move, just because the freaking clock said sixty minutes. As far as I'm concerned this 'loss', if it's counted as a 'loss', was due to a stupid technicality."
OFL Commissioner Samuel T. Sailor confirmed that the result of the game would stand. "Every time they lose he petitions the league to extend games to four hours instead of one. My official response to that was, and remains, ****** him."
Coach Chin held Jville stadium management partly responsible for the result. "They painted the locker rooms pink and piped in some wimpy girl music. Our players were just zoning. It was awful."
Assistant Director of Jville Stadium Operations, Miranda Smartbabe, confirmed the account. "Football is such a violent game. I thought some peace-inducing 'yan' would counter the testosterone 'yin' and bring a more harmonious balance to the team, in a feng-shui sort of way", stated Smartbabe. "Plus, (Jax) Coach Del Fuego gave me ten dollars to do it."
Pigsburgh receiverf Biff Goober was seen leaving the locker room area in tears. "They just played Avirl Lavigne's acoustic cover of 'Time After Time'. It was just beautiful", said Goober.
The Stealers announced Tuesday that Goober had been traded to the Cleveland Brownies for a conditional draft choice and a case of crying towels. "Freaking Yalie", growled Coach Chin. "How on earth did I ever let an Ivy Leaguer on my team in the first place?"

**sailorsam** · 09-24-2006, 06:56 AM

COACHES BLAME OFFENSIVE WOES ON TSA
In an unusual joint press conference, two OFL Offensive Coordinators blamed the Transportation Security Administration on their lack of offense.
DC Skins' Sal Aunders and DeTroit Lyons assistant Madmike Martz suggested Saturday that the TSA took their offenses during off-season moves. "We were averaging 30 points and 400 yards per game last year in KC", said Coach Aunders, "and this year we've only got 26 pts in two games.
"I was specifically hired to bring in the Chef's Offense. Somewhere between here and KC, it disappeared. I suspect the TSA confiscated it."
Coach Martz echoed the accusation. "The Lyons only have 13 points in two games. In St Looie, we'd have that much in an average quarter, especially when Warner could move without his walker. Something's wrong here."
TSA spokesperson Karen Weevil denied any TSA responsibility. "We're headquartered in DC. Our management would be furious if they thought we did anything to the Skins.
"It would make our beaureaucrats lose prestige with the other beaureaucrats, and we can't have that."
OFL Commissioner Samuel T. Sailor has asked the Bogie Detective Agency to investigate the missing offenses. "Offense means ratings", the Commissioner admitted. "And I've got to get that (DC owner) Disco Don Snyder off my back. I told him the Ravens won a championship without any offense, so he shouldn't complain about being 0-2."

**sailorsam** · 09-26-2006, 06:39 AM

OFL Results for the wekend of 09/24: RAVENS SURVIVE BROWNIES, 15-14 (Cleveland) The Balmer Ravens edged the Cleveland Brownies on a late 52-yard AutoMatt Stover field goal for a hard-fought 15-14 win.
The Ravens played most of the first three quarters without their Offense, which was delayed due to a bus incident. "Jerome Buttis ran into us with his Hummer Testosterone III," complained coordinator Jim Hassle. "Those things will put a bump into ya." QB Stevie Ray McNair and his receivers arrived at the end of the third quarter to pull out the win for Balmer.
SKINS 31, HOUSTON 1AA TEXANS 15; OFFENSE RECOVERED FROM TSA The DC Area Skins easily beat the 1AA Texans Sunday in Houston. Coaches St. Joe Gibbs and Sal Aunders were relieved that their offense, which had inadvertently been impounded by the TSA, was available.
"It came through with all these diagrams and references to 'bombs' and 'explosions', so we pulled it for further study," admitted TSA Spokesperson Karen Weevil. "We also found the Madmike Martz offense, and forwarded it to him." (The Lyons lost to the Puckers, but did score 24 points.)
"We had it in our offices at the Annandale Federal Luxury Suites. Some of the Martz stuff we forwarded to the Nuclear Research Labratory in Tennessee."
NRL/T spokesperson George Anonymous confirmed this account. "We were deeply concerned about the possible ramifications should this material fall into the wrong hands." Asked if he was referring to terrorists, Anonymous clarified, "no, more like Steve Spurious, now that he's back in the SEC."
TSA's Karen Weevil apologized for the mixup. "We apologize for the mixup. Oopsie!"
INCIDENT WITH FANS RILES RAVENS' OWNER (Cleveland) Ravens owner Stevie Ray Biscuit had to be rescued from angry Brownie fans Sunday. While walking through the VIP concourse he was recognized and attacked by five partially inebrieated Clevelanders, and had to be rescued by former Salisbury U alumni Biff and Jake Bergey, his guests for the game. Cleveland Police Department Patrolman Chub Goober stated the following in his report; "Well me and my partner Dwight was walking through B concourse and got a call from dispatch about a fight, so we hoofs it up to the VIP level and found five of our guys, wearing the orange and black and the dog masks (I think they were masks, some um it's hard to tell) mixing it up with the Biscuit guy, who was yelling 'I'm not Modell, I didn't take your stinking team', with those two lacrosse guys, and they were like six-five, and pretty buff, you know, and we figured it was about an even match, so we went back to B concourse and got a beer."
OFL Commissioner Samuel T. Sailor says the League is investigating the incident. "At least they aren't throwing beer bottles on the field again. We are seeing progress in Cleveland." Sailor also praised the Brownie's on-field effort. "Both teams played a great game and can be proud. I just hope the Brownies show this kind of spirit when Pigsbugh comes in, instead of laying down like dogs like they did last year."

**Losac** · 09-26-2006, 09:52 AM

**sailorsam** · 10-05-2006, 08:30 PM

GHOST OF JOHNNY U LEADS RAVENS TO WIN
Losing late to the San Diego DisChargers, the Ravens sent in the Ghost of Johnny U, who quarterbacked the team to a late touchdown that gave Balmer a 16-13 win.
The Ghost of Johnny U was signed to a one-day contract before the game for ceremonial purposes. "We never intended for him to actually play, but with both our qbs hurt we figured we had to," said Ravens coach Rian Rillick. A halftime ceremony retired Raven and DisCharger jerseys, representing the two OFL teams Johnny U played for. "We're just going to forget all the Irsayapolis stuff," said OFL commish Samuel T. Sailor. "Johnny U never played for Irsayapolis."
The game featured two of the best defenses in the OFL, which combined to force five fumbles, three interceptions and loads of serious smack, mostly regarding the Ravens offense and DisCharger Coach Marty Spellcheck's record in Big Games (0-12). "I actually give Coach Spellcheck props," said Ravens lb Rave Lewis (10 tackes, 4 assists, 8 verbal slams). "He's lost Big Games for three different teams, not counting the Skins. Most coaches never get to lose Big Games for more than two."
Down 13-9 with 3:04 to play (and no time-outs), the Ravens received a post-safety punt to start at their own 40. The 70,000 fans at first sat in silence, than roared approval seeing the lean figure jog onfield, wearing the familiar high-top shoes and the number 19, albeit in purple. The Ghost quickly rattled the stout DisCharger D with a 17 yard completion to Clayton, then snuck through for a 12-yard run. "It felt good to be out there again," the Ghost admitted. "Everyone was really pumped."
An incompletion was followed by a 13 yard pass to Clayton over the middle. "Weren't you worried about being intercepted at that point?" asked reporter Bob Braindead."
"When you know what you're doing," the Ghost replied calmly, "you are not intercepted."
As the Ravens lined up the Ghost looked over to wr Derrick Mason and pointed to the corner of the end zone. Mason nodded knowingly. At the snap Dischargers safety Joe Schmuckatelli rotated to double Mason...leaving Todd Heeep open at the four, catching the perfect spiral and bouncing off the linebacker for 6.
The DisCharger's desperation drive ended with a Dale Jarret Johnson sack of Young Man Rivers, clinching the Ravens win.
After the game Ravens management offered the Ghost a contract for the remainder of the season but were politely turned down. "I have my rings. Time to give somebody else a chance," he said, turning to go to...where, exactly?
Former teammate Art E. Donovan knew. "He's still here.
"As long as there's football in Balmer, the Ghost of Johnny U will be right here."
Amen.

**sailorsam** · 10-12-2006, 06:54 AM

***OVERHEARD AT SKINS HQ***

(The following transcript was leaked to Football 24x7 by a source in the OFBI)
Conversation recorded at Skins Central on or about 10/12/2006

SNYDER (Owner Disco Don): I can't believe it! 2-3! how could we score 30 on the Jax and get stomped by the Jints??? This is not acceptable!
AIDE #1 That's football, bossikins. Lot of things can happen on the field.
SNYDER: How much of my hard-earned dinero is being spent on this outfit? And for what, one playoff win? Even Crazy Jerry Glanville had one playoff win! I want upgrade--NOW!!! Where can I spend some more money?
AIDE #2 No free agents available this time of year.
AIDE #1 We could send up a team to the OCFL, but most of those guys couldn't make the OFL.
AIDE #2 Yeah, that's why they're up there.
SNYDER: How bout better coaches?
AIDE #1 Only coach available that would be an upgrade might be Dollar Bill Walsh, and he already turned us down 42 times.
AIDE #2 I just thinked of something.
AIDE #1 uh-oh.
AIDE #2 The other week the Ravens won with the Ghost of Johnny U. Maybe we could bring someone out of the Skins Glorious Past to help out.
SNYDER: How bout that Jurgy guy, the quarterback?
AIDE #1 we tried him. he says he's safe in the broadcast booth and not coming out.
SNYDER: that fullback guy, Riggo.
AIDE #2 He won't talk to us.
SNYDER: Give him a few brewskis. that'll loosen him up.
AIDE #2 can't. He's gone on the wagon after that last incident.
AIDE #1 Offering to kiss Broadway Namath. I mean, he must of been drunk.
SNYDER: So inconsiderate to try to straighten out his life, when I want info from him. Wait--I know. the other quarterback, Wisemann. would he talk?
AIDE #1 are you kidding? it's impossible to stop him from talking. but he won't stay on topic.
AIDE #2 I asked him about our play selection and he ended up chatting about his days with the Toronto Argnauts in the OCFL.
SNYDER: Whatever.
AIDE #1 Well, remember, the Ravens brought up a ghost. Maybe we can get a ghost from the Glorious Skins Past.
SNYDER: Who? that Slingin Sammy Ball guy? different era.
AIDE #1 no, someone more recent. I was thinking, George Defense Allen.
AIDE #2 yeah.
SNYDER: Wait a momento, here, boys. how we gonna talk to a ghost?
AIDE #1 The Ghost Chatterer, of course.
SNYDER: Ghost Chatterer?
AIDE #2 Yeah. You know, Jennifer Hair Hewitt.
AIDE #1 Think of her as a consultant. Supernatural Communications Expert.
SNYDER: Do it!
(approx 2 hours pass; meeting resumes with JHH now present)
SNYDER: I need you to contact the Ghost of George Defense Allen for us.
JHH: Look, this ghost business does not work that way. I communicate with troubled spirits and try to ease the pain of the living as well as the dead.
SNYDER: Well I haven't won an OFL Bowl, so I got pain. I've spent millions of my own money, not to mention other people's. all the other owners are laughing at me.
JHH: I'm sorry, but that sort of issue just doesn't qualify for my work.
AIDE #1 Miss Hewitt, let me appeal to you in another way. Here's 100 Gold Krugerrands. Can you help us?
JHH: GHOST OF GEORGE DEFENSE ALLEN, I COMMAND YOU TO GET HERE NOW!!!
SNYDER: how long will it take? I'm a busy man.
GHOST OF GEORGE DEFENSE ALLEN: Hi guys. quick trip from RFK.
JHH: He's here.
SNYDER: ask him what we can do to get better so I can win an OFL bowl.
JHH: he wants to know...
GGDA: He wants to win a championship, right?
JHH: right.
GGDA: Look, pal, I appreciate the call, but what do I know about winning the Big Tater? I only got there once and lost it. My specialty is coach/GM, and you got one of the best coach/GMs now.
SNYDER: um...
GGDA: Now, if you wants me to look on your org from an overall perspective thing, I think I can id your problem and recommend somebody what can help.
AIDE #2 great!
GGDA: but you gotta do one thing for me.
AIDE #1 name it.
GGDA Next time the Dallas Fornicating Cowboys come in town, set up a continuous loop tape playing the Pina Colada song in their locker room.
AIDE #2 (giggling) I like that! it'll drive them nuts!
AIDE #1 and we can say it was just an electronic malfunction.
SNYDER: yeah whatever. now give.
GGDA: Right, I'm going back to RFK, but I'm sending the person that can fix your biggest need.
JHH: he's gone. but another ghost is here...
SNYDER: Who?
GHOST: I am the Ghost of Edward Bennet Millions.
AIDE #2 former...owner?
GEBM: Yes. Now, listen up, and I'll tell youse how to own a team.
SNYDER: hey, wait one. I'm the owner here!
GEBM: Yes--and that's the problem. YOU, Snyder, are why the Skins can't win!
(various garbled conversation and scuffling)
SNYDER: why you...
AIDE #2 oopsie...
AIDE #1 maybe we should...
GEBM: ha ha ha ha ha!..
JHH: I want 10 more krugerrands for this...
***transcript ends***

**Losac** · 10-12-2006, 10:57 AM

This stuff is not funny or entertaining at all. Am I the only one who thinks this?

**PARavensJeff** · 10-13-2006, 11:31 PM

What the hell is this stuff, It's not funny or entertaining. Let's deal with the real Ravens & the NFL.

**sailorsam** · 10-19-2006, 06:13 AM

DISCIPLINARY MEMO
From: The Management
To: 24x7 ace reporter George T. Snoop
re: report on Sunday's game George: Your reporting for us this year has so far approached competence, but your story on Sunday's Ravens-Panzers game is too ludicrous to be believed, as follows; 1) Ravens lose at home to a 2-2 ONFC team? unlikely. 2) Jake ElHombre throws for 356 yards? against Samurai Rolle? Impossible. 3) and worse; Kyle Boller comes in off the bench and throws for 3 tds, one a 62-yard deflection? Please. At least you didn't say he came in and pulled out a win; that would have been hallucinatory.
on behalf of The Management, we find we must spike your account, and warn you that no deviations from the absolute truth will be tolerated. In view of your hard work for us etc., we will cut you some slack as this is your first such offense; in fact, we think it's a good idea that you take this weekend off.
ps; the Skins losing at home to the winless Flaming Thumbtacks? George, George...

**sailorsam** · 11-01-2006, 06:44 AM

RAVENS WIN; RILLICK PRAISES NEW OC
The Balmer Ravens exploded for 35 points en route to a 35-22 road win over the Nawlins Saints sunday. Ravens coach Rian Rillick gave credit to his new Offensive Coordinator, OC Rillick. "What can I say? He called a terrific game. I felt he utilized our personnel and obtained quantifiably substantial results."
Defensive Coordinator Trex Ryan echoed the praise. "Usually we (the D) givem 2-3 turnovers a game and lucky to get a couple field goals. Today we got three touchdowns off turnovers. Woo Hoo!!! Now if you excuse me I gotta have an intense chat with Samurai Rolled. Cmon, Samurai, I see you hiding behind the pineapple..."
Ravens' offensive players universally praised the new offensive operation. "Nothing against Coach Hassle, but me and Masonic threw for a zillion yards down in Tennessee, so what's he going to teach us about the passing game?", asked qb Steve AirMcNair. "Even our left tackle was fed up with that guy. And he's from UCLA. Those UCLA guys are so laid back they never get upset."
A former starting quarterback from Left Coast U who asked not to be named echoed the sentiment. "We'd practice and Coach Rillick would be talking to me about progressions and Coach Hassle would be talking to me about stepping up and footwork, and (Quarterbacks) Coach Neuhassle would be talking to me about my shoe contract. It sure got distracting."
Not surprisingly, players on the Ravens D were tickled with the production, especially the td drives of 80, 63 and 71 yards. "It was great," said Brave Lewis. "We got a nice nap in during the second quarter, kept us fresh for the second half."
This week the Ravens host the 4-3 Cincinatti Bungles; the winner takes over 1st place in the OAFC North.

**kiwiraven** · 11-07-2006, 03:30 PM

I don't get it

**Tspot-D-Ravenator** · 11-07-2006, 07:29 PM

Too much time on his hands

He's gone plum loco

**sailorsam** · 11-08-2006, 01:36 PM

OFL NEWS & NOTES: Den E. Green not fired yet as Cardiac's coach, but owner Biff Bidwell is not happy; 'we spent hundreds of dollars on new uniforms to go 1-7? We started 1-7 plenty of times with the old togs'...Phil LeSavage denies that the employment agency commercial featuring a man working with a bunch of monkeys is based on his experience working with the Cleveland Brownies...Bengali receiver T.J. Spellcheck's 'Helmet Toss' play was inspired by the '05 Ravens, who no longer utilize it...DaBear's win streak broken as 8 members of the '72 Dolfins come out of retirement for their recent game...Pigsburgh Coach Bill Chin asks OFBI to investigate the possible kidnaping of most of his team. 'This isn't my Championship-Winning Team', he fumed at a recent press conference. He reportedly suspects disgruntled Seattle fans, or space aliens (or possibly a combination)...owners Diso Dan Snyder (DC Area Skins) and JJJ Jones (Dallas Cowmen) discuss trading head coaches, but cannot agree on salary packages...70% of OFL fans cannot identify any Head Coaches in the ONFC North division; 68% didn't care...OFL owners surveyed recommend LA and San Antonio for future expansion/franchise moves; media members and the Players Union unanimously recommended Honolulu...as of now, Den E. Green still not fired, etc...

**sailorsam** · 11-25-2006, 07:45 AM

NEAR APOCALYPSE WEEKEND: Signs of the End Times were all over the OFL during recent weekend games, claims Molly Moonbeam of the New Age Enlightened Expresso Society. "It was awful. We were monitoring things at our private Rainbow Room in the Dundalk Starbucks when all these bizarre things began to happen. We were sure that The End was near." among the events:
1) The Grey Cup breaks. North America's oldest Trophy literally broke during the award ceremony. "One of our Toronto counterparts, Stella Starchild, claims the Cup was never whole after the Baltimore Stallions won it a few years ago. They are going to hold a yoga trance / tig-welding ceremony to make it whole again."
2) AutoMatt Stover misses a field goal. at home. in good weather. in a close game. Observed Ms. Moonbeam, "I'm much of a football fan, but even I know he's Money inside the 45."
3) The Dolphins win despite getting only +7 net yards rushing. "The Spirit of Larry Csonk was screaming out in despair", said Ms. Moonbeam.
4) 300+ lb Nose Tackle Kelly G. Beast sacks Michael Slick, on an open field play. "I know Slick gets sacked all the time, but one-on-one by a nose tackle? Oh, the shock. Stars were misaligned all over that one."
5) Nike Nolan (former Ravens assistant) appears on the sideline in--gasp--a suit. "The Spirit of former commissioner Paul Tags was anguished beyond words. It kept crying, 'where are the corporate logos? where are the corporate logos?'" To make things worse, the 9rs went on to beat the first-place Chawks. Fortunately, the stars were by then realigned, as
6)The Brownies Almost Beat the Steelers. "The Stars were shaking in the fourth quarter." Fortunately for Universal Harmony, the Brownies blew their 4th-quarter 10-point lead, and Normalcy returned.
Ms. Moonbeam remains concerned about the future. "The Dragon is flying through the House of Virgo", she observes, "and a Marty Schottenheimer team is scoring 30 points a game.
"That's just WRONG."

**sailorsam** · 12-19-2006, 06:05 AM

PF24x7 REVEALS COMMISH PLANS TO RUIN SQUEALERS
Pro Football 24x7 Investigative Reporter George T. Snoop has obtained posession of a memo outlining the OFL Commissioner's plans to ruin the Pigsburgh Squealer franchise.
"The Squealers have been a cancer on this league for too long, an affront to God and man that must be dealt with", OFL Commissioner Samuel T. Sailor is quoted as saying. "At the end of the season we will initiate the following protocol;"
1) Convince the Looney family to relocate to Arizona for health reasons. "Anyone who has been in Pigsburgh in December will understand the validity of this proposal."
2) Convince the Looneys to swap franchises with Biff Bidwell of the Cardinales. "The Looneys will love the stadium and the weather. Remind Bidwell that the Squealers won more playoff games last year than the Cardinale franchise has in its history. Bidwell will do anything to win, as long as it doesn't involve actually spending money."
3) Convince BB to hire Matt Melon as his GM. "Tell him everyone deserves a second chance, and that the league will pay half his salary. (Something tells me the Lyons will let him go without much trouble)."
"Having Bidwell as owner and MM as GM will ruin this team for years, hee hee hee ;-) ."
The OFL Commish office has refused to confirm or deny this report. Media members have praised Snoop for 'determined investigative reporage', which an annoyed Commish Sailor referred to as 'stealing notes from my trash can'.
Commish Sailor also reportedly plans to force J. Weasel Irsay to give the Colts name, colors and records back to Baltimore "where they belong, and never should have been taken from."
among proposed new names for the franchise: "Indiapolis 500s" "Indy Brickyards" "Indianapolis Indomitable Tractors" "Indianapolis Thank-God-we-drafted-Peytons".

**sailorsam** · 01-05-2007, 04:40 PM

OFL PLAYOFF PREVIEW: George T. Snoop gets the scoop from three unnamed OFL team officials. What are the Odds they'll get to the Big Tater in Miami? By Seed order:
OAFC
1) Carmen SanDiegos: Led by the great L. T. Elltee, the Dischargers have an excellent D to go with their O. What about Coach Marty Spellcheck and his record of Big Game Losses? Official A: "They plan to scare him with the Ghost of John Hellway and lock him up in a closet at halftime till the game is over." Official B concurs, "That's how they won the Broncos game." Odds: 2-1.
2) Balmer Ravens Offical C: "We used to laugh at their passing game. Ha ha, we'd say. Kyle Baller to Travesty Taylor. Ha ha. Now they got Steve AirMcNair throwing to Mark Separatin Claytin, among others. Tough." Offical B adds, "No one wants a piece of these puppies." Odds: 3-1.
3) Yankeeland Patriots Official B: "not as good as they were, but they keep cracking you on the head with their Super Bowl rings. That can hurt." Offical C agrees; "Just like the bullies in High School. But they won't survive the extra week and the road game(s)." Odds: 5-1.
4) Irsayapolis (Notthereal)Colts Offical C: "We thought J. Weasel Irsay sold his soul for a passing game, but his soul was already gone, he sold his running defense instead. They missed their chance last year." Odds: 9-1
5) NY JayEatTias Official B: "They earned fair and square another week of fan interst and hype before they get stomped." Odds: 18-1.
6) KC Chefs Offical C: "They snuck in when the Broncs blew a home game against a 7-8 ONFC team. Whatever." KC officials refused to comment on the report of a case of Krugerrands delivered to the SF Niners office, supposedly paid for by the KC Booster Rooster club. Odds: 22-1.

ONFC
1)Chicago DaBears Offical A: "They win 12, 13 games and everybody is already writing them off. Remember, this is the ONFC. I don't know of any of these guys could make the playoffs in the OAFC. Rex Gross, man." Odds: 4-1.
2) N'awlins Saints Official C: "Everyone is happy for their success, as everybody in the leage and the media loves to get to travel there for an extra (playoff) game. They're actually pretty decent." Odds: 5-1.
3) Filthadelphia Iggles Offical C again: "They showed how a good Coach and Quarterback can win a crappy division. Like we didn't already know that." Odds: 6-1
4) Seattle C-Hawks "Well, somebody had to win that stupid division." Odds: 10-1.
5) Dallas Cowmen: Offical C: "Bill Hardsells is already packing for Miami--to coach the 'Fins, not for the Big Tater Bowl." Odds: 14-1.
6) New Yorsey Jints Official B: "Team officials are terrified that they might win a game or two and make it hard to fire their coach. They need not worry." Official A adds, "yeah, they suck." Odds: 20-1.