When it comes to fulfilling your NFL obligations, there is a list of responsibilities that must be fulfilled in order: 1) Loyalty to your organization 2) Dedication to your teammates and 3) Accountability to yourself and the family you represent.
The Redskins Clinton Portis chose to ignore these criteria by offering his support of Michael Vick and the Ultimate Dog Fighting Championships going down in Virginia. It’s nice to know that Portis is cool with questioning his Hall of Fame head coach and second-guessing one of the best offensive coordinators in the league but doesn’t hesitate to take a bullet for someone who doesn’t reside in the same locker room.
“I don’t know if he was fighting dogs or not, but it’s his property, it’s his dog," said Portis. "If that’s what he wants to do, do it. I think people should mind their business.
“I know a lot of back roads that have the dog fighting if you want to go see it."
Hmm…So let me get this straight Clinton. We should excuse all crimes as long as we can prove that it’s a common act taking place throughout the country? That’s about as brilliant as taking a coldcut away from Rosie O’Donnell. Portis and Jason Giambi now belong in the same category. They represent the numskull boyfriend who keeps burying himself a deeper hole because he doesn’t know when to stop talking. You keep trying to make things right but all you’re really doing is making her pack faster.
And where is the agent representation in all of this? Aren’t they partially responsible for the public relations mess these guys have found themselves in? Why haven’t they issued a gag order pleading with their clients to shut their mouths before we experience another Al Campanis moment?
This NFL offseason got me to thinking. Why not construct the ultimate nitwit squad comprised of current NFL criminals and morons? We’ll call them…Team Goodell. Think of it as All-Madden meets Alcatraz. The quarterback and starting halfback spots are obviosuly set with Vick and Portis so let’s get to the other members of the offense. The defense will be addressed next week.
Fullback – DeDe Dorsey (Indianapolis Colts)
Found in posession of a handgun without a license after being pulled over for speeding. Police reports show he was also charged for having a girly name.
Wide Receiver – Chris Henry (Cincinnati Bengals)
Even though “the raptor†was recently cleared of a random drug test that was prematurely reported as positive, he still makes the squad for getting arrested four times over a 14 month span. You immediately start on this team when you are suspended eight games by the NFL for being on probation in two different states. It’s the same as graduating double board-certified in the world of medicine.
Wide Receiver – Travis Taylor (Minnesota Vikings)
The former Raven was picked up at 3 a.m. outside of a nightclub in Minnesota and showed off his triple-threat versatility. He was charged with three misdemeanors including fifth-degree assault, disorderly conduct and interfering with pedestrian or vehicular traffic. He’s the Antwan Randle-El of Team Goodell.
Tight End – Jerramy Stevens (Formerly of the Seattle Seahawks)
Pulled over in Arizona and arrested on suspicion of DUI and possession of marijuana. You could hear the champagne being popped throughout the league when this went down. EVERYONE despises Stevens because of his non-stop mouth and cheap shot antics on the field. This was like hearing about the bully in high school morphing into a fat loser who cleans your windows while getting gas.
***Note*** Finding offensive lineman to make Team Goodell proved difficult but that’s why I employ the best scouts in the business. We leave no stone unturned in our mission to discover the sketchiest, most vile athletes busting their tails to produce the best rap sheet possible.
Tackle – Anthony Davis (Tampa Bay)
Disorderly conduct charge in Virginia. I have to say, very weak resume but like I said, finding these sleepers is not an easy task.
Tackle – Barrett Brooks (Pittsburgh Steelers)
Arrested after fleeing from Pittsburgh police on a motorcycle and charged with fleeing and eluding, reckless driving, driving at an unsafe speed and other traffic violations. This is the true badass of Team Goodell. We have already contacted Kyle Turley to mentor this kid right to the bottom.
Center – Wayne Hunter (Jacksonville Jaguars)
Our coaching staff decided to move Hunter to center after evaluating his substandard arrest; “Cited for fourth-degree assault and malicious mischief at a sports bar.†Come on!!! I thought we held football players to a higher standard.
Guard – Ross Verba (Detroit Lions)
Arrested on a felony warrant in Wisconsin for writing bad checks in Nevada. This is my favorite one because I had a roommate in college who did the same thing, sort of. He was so disorganized that he failed to notice he was paying rent out of my roommate’s checkbook that he accidentally picked up. This actually went on for TWO WEEKS before anyone caught on. (Substance abuse is bad kids).
Guard – Fred Weary (Houston Texans)
Check out this police report: “INCIDENT: Subdued with a taser and charged with resisting arrest by Houston police during a controversial traffic stop. RESOLUTION: Dropped.†After getting lit up by a taser? DAMN RIGHT THAT FOOL DROPPED!!!
