Posted in Street Talk
Print this article

Restraining orders, reckless driving, resisting arrest...

Do you have what it takes to make Team Goodell?

Last week, we compiled a detonating roster of offensive talent that could have starred in “The Longest Yard.”  This week, we put the de-linquent in de-fender.   

We begin with the star player who receives preferential treatment.  He’s the star who can arrive late to training camp, half-ass it during practice and fall asleep during film sessions.  On the Giants, it was Lawrence Taylor.  The Redskins had John Riggins and the 76ers had Allen Iverson.  But the all-time preferential treatment story comes from the great Red Aurebach.  

One day, Bill Russell strolls in during a Celtic practice and sits down to read a newspaper.  While conducting drills, teammates noticed Russell out of uniform relaxing in the bleachers.  When one player voiced his displeasure, Aurebach stopped practice, called his team to the middle of the floor and made the following assertion; “Fellas, there are two sets of rules for this team:  One for all of you...and one for that man over there.”   

It’s one of my favorite stories of all-time.  Simply classic!

On this team, we have that star among stars.  He gets first dibs on the team jumpsuits and first-class service in the mess hall.  We even have teammates pick up his soap in the showers.  That’s how much he means to Team Goodell.  He is none other than Adam “Pacman” Jones.   

Who gives a crap about the Wonderlic test?  Pacman rocked a 187 on his Penal Code exam.  He is our team captain and unanimous MVP (Most Valuable Prisoner).  But just like any great criminal, he needs help.  Here is the rest of the D for Team Goodell:

Defensive End - Jared Allen (Kansas City Chiefs)

Charged with DUI for the second time in five months.  He is suspended for the first four games of the regular season for violating the league’s substance-abuse policy and the ultimate crime?  He wore a Speedo on Halloween.  That alone should get him five to ten.

Defensive End - Frostee Rucker (Cincinnati Bengals)

Ok, who had the over/under at three players before we got to a Bengal ?  Rucker recently accepted a plea bargain for charges of false imprisonment and vandalism.  Ladies and gentleman, we have our first wife beater!!!

Defensive Tackle - Jonathan Babineaux (Atlanta Falcons)

Busted at his
Georgia townhouse on a felony account of animal abuse.  Animal abuse in
Atlanta ?  I’m not messing with you, I swear.  This is more of a perfect fit than Kate Moss in a Cheerio.

Outside Linebacker - Joey Porter (Miami Dolphins)

Orchestrated the group attack on Bengal offensive lineman Levi Jones at a
Las Vegas casino.  Normally, the middle linebacker is the brain of the defense.  Not on Team Goodell.  It takes felonious brainpower to plan out a physical attack on an NFL player you no longer have to see twice a year.  Brilliant!!!

Inside Linebacker - A.J. Nicholson (Unemployed)

It is a true shame that Nicholson is behind bars because he was assembling a Hall of Fame resume: 

1) Broke into the apartment of a Florida State teammate
2) Burglary & Grand Theft
3) Sexual Battery

Cincy cut him the same day he made a court appearance for allegedly striking his girlfriend.  To be fair, the girlfriend changed her story and explained that her bruised eye was self-inflicted when she hit herself with a cell phone.  Yeah, and I’m replacing Kofi Annan with Don Imus.

Inside Linebacker - Dhani Jones (Unemployed)

The Eagles released Jones but we brought him in to serve as halftime entertainment.  Why?  Because he failed to obey a lawful command after he allegedly refused to stop dancing outside a South Beach club. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!  That was my God’s honest reaction to this story.  All I could think of was Elaine dancing in the Seinfeld episode.

Outside Linebacker - Steve Foley (Unemployed)

By far my favorite hoodlum so far.  The former Charger was stopped for DUI and shot three times by an off-duty police officer in
Colorado .  Yes, he was lit up by the cops, but our front office couldn’t ignore a player who would obviously take a bullet for a teammate.  That’s just too much heart to ignore.

Free Safety - Sean Taylor (Washington Redskins)

Let me first state the obvious; there is no such thing as a “free” safety on Team Goodell, it’s an oxymoron. 
Taylor ’s rap sheet consists of two felony counts of aggravated assault and one misdemeanor count of simple battery.  Honestly, it doesn’t matter what
Taylor does.  He’s Andre Agassi and I’m Nick Bollettieri.  In non-tennis terms, he can do no wrong.

Strong Safety - Terrence Kiel (Unemployed)

Give Terrence credit for not attempting to conceal his issues.  He was tracked down at the
San Diego
team headquarters after admitting to shipping at least two parcels of prescription cough syrup to
Texas .  He was also cited for public urination outside a club.  I couldn’t help but feel sorry for this dude so Team Goodell had to thrown him a bone, or a Sucrets. 


Cornerback - Deltha O’Neal (Cincinnati Bengals)

Picked up a DWI after being stopped at a traffic checkpoint.  There is no sense in trying to match Pacman on the opposite side of the field so I decided to finish with another Bengal .  Was Team Goodell left with any other option?

Facebook Comments
Share This  
Shan Shariff

About Shan Shariff

Shan Shariff is a Sports Talk host and Program Director for Delmarva’s ESPN Radio 1240 in Cambridge, MD.  He is recognized for his interviewing skills and ability to attack a subject from a number of different angles.  He has interviewed the likes of Jim Brown, John Wooden, Red Aurebach, Oscar Robertson, Brooks Robinson and Earl Weaver.  Shan is a native of Maryland and attended college at American University in Washington, DC.  While there, he interned for the George Michael Sports Machine and traveled back and forth to Salisbury, MD for television experience at WMDT Channel 47.  After graduating, Shan did play-by-play and color for the Rockford Lightning of the Continental Basketball Association.
Shan gets made fun of constantly for winning a state tennis championship in mixed doubles although he openly admits to not being good enough to win one by himself.  If you want to harass Shan regarding his love for the Redskins and Lakers, tune in Monday-Friday from 10am-1pm on Delmarva’s ESPN Radio AM 1240.

More from Shan Shariff


Your browser is out-of-date!

Update your browser to view this website correctly.

Get More Information