The world of sports media consists of two separate yet equally important groups: “real” media, which often pays for privileged access, and the “unreal” media, free of any agenda and representing the fans. ~ Random fan site owner who admires Law & Order
John Harbaugh: Good to see everybody. Thanks for coming. We just finished some preparations for the Browns. Obviously, we’ll be moving through that throughout the course of the week. We’re excited to do so, and we’re ready to move on.
Bo Plutonium: What exactly happened or didn’t happen on that missed challenge opportunity in Denver?
John Harbaugh: We could have done a better job with that, looking back on it and I regret blaming NBC. That was really on us. We have to be better with that.
Deuce Stunningman: Coach, did you see that Carrie Underwood sing the opening song for Sunday Night Football? Wow! That was something, huh?
John Harbaugh: I’m sure it was Deuce but you may recall that we had a game that night. So instead of being busy watching things, I was busy doing things.
Jelly Joleman: Well one thing you weren’t busy doing for sure was paying attention to your player Corey Graham who practically begged you to throw the challenge flag. Is Graham now in your doghouse?
John Harbaugh: We are a team Jelly, something you obviously never understood based on the trail of broken glass you left at WBAL, 98 Rock and that little Mickey Mouse station that you once claimed had FIFTY THOUSAND WATTS.
Vito Prosciutto: John I’m concerned about the way your roster is configured. With 5 safeties, 4 corners and only 2 running backs, dat’s really not a standard 53. Dat’s certainly not how WE used to handle things.
John Harbaugh: Times have changed Vito. You also used to be a GM in the National Football League. Now you’re talking about the Orioles (something you aren’t exactly qualified to do) on sports talk radio. Maybe you should be more concerned about that!
Vito Prosciutto: C’mon John. You have to admit that an injury at corner or at running back leaves you pretty vulnerable. Just like last year when you were forced to start Komoto next to Haloti.
John Harbaugh: Vito, that’s actually Kemoeatu but why should you be worried about accuracy now, right? And speaking of vulnerability, we wouldn’t want to talk about how exposed you left the Washington Redskins’ cap situation would we? Or how about Lou Holtz’ program at Notre Dame?
Vito Prosciutto: You are right John. Your roster looks great to me. My bad. Can I send you a bottle of Chianti?
Yamon Yappy: Schematically speaking though Coach, Vito has a point. We heard that you would be using Ray Rice and Bernard Pierce on the field simultaneously which would force the defense to fire out, overload what was the weak side and scrape down the backside with the Mike and Sam if in fact you create mismatches by sending Rice in motion thus placing pressure on your safeties or nickel corners. Don’t you agree?
John Harbaugh: Hey Jelly, there’s the guy [pointing at Yappy] you should be presenting your doghouse questions to. Where have you been Yappy? You go from top dog (pun intended) with Viv to a hamster powered radio station and then get the boot by a syndicated show? No worries Yappy. Every dog has its day and I suppose yours is coming soon. Or did that already happen?
Yamon Yappy: <blushes>
Chappy Chester: Harbs as you know sometimes dynamic things come in small packages. Just look at Ray Rice, your No. 1 offensive weapon. So what if WNSW is small – we’re still the No. 1 sports media company in the area and I am its king. I’m sure you’ve seen the liquor store commercials. Like the internet, if it’s on TV it has to be true.
John Harbaugh: Is there a question Chappy?
Chappy Chester: Ok, yes of course…enough about me. What do you think about the No. 1 sports media company in the area?
John Harbaugh: I think 105.7 The Fan is great!
Jason Bourne (team PR man): John, let’s not forget our partners at 98 Rock, WBAL and Comcast.
John Harbaugh: Yes of course, those guys are all good and clearly more talented than some Clark Kent dude berating a journalist from Denver on air in a sophomoric fashion. That had to be embarrassing for you guys Chappy.
Chappy Chester: Hey did you see us on America’s Game?
Deuce Stunningman: I did! I did! I thought it was cool. I really, really, really, really do!
Jelly Joleman: John, I refuse to let you off the hook. I think the fans and the media are entitled to answers about that screwed up challenge.
John Harbaugh: So, you want answers?
Jelly Joleman: I want the truth!
John Harbaugh: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Son, we live in a world that is scrutinized today by more people, with greater access and technology that improves daily. Every single move we make is open to criticism. Imagine if that were you Joleman! What if you stole content from the Sports Junkies and called it your own and you had cameras and microphones and smart phones capturing any plagiaristic move. What if your actions could be DVR’d and we watched them over and over and over again. What might we see there Jelly?
I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You can sit there alone in your dark studios and re-record things until you get it right and then pretend that you got it right the first time. I don’t have that luxury. I don’t get a “do over.” But you do! You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not having to stand on that sideline with tens of millions of fans across the country watching – watching replays I don’t have access to. Information key to making the right decision, yet you have the stones to criticize the manner in which I make them.
You don’t want the truth, because deep down in places you don’t talk about in your little press room with your little digital recorders and your wifi, you might giggle like a little school boy who just saw a girl’s skirt blown by the wind. You and your juvenile sarcasm and below the belt punchlines…why should I explain a mistake to you, someone who mocks us – the very people who are responsible for providing your blanket of security, your key to employment.
I would rather you just said “thank you”, and went on your way back to those shady studios and home to your dark, dirty little secrets. Otherwise, I suggest you put down your precious little microphone, be accountable for your actions and report “the news”, conjured or real in a responsible fashion.
Whatever you do, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to!
Deuce Stunningman: Coach can you repeat that? I didn’t have my mic plugged in.
Disclaimer: Although inspired in part by true characters, this press conference is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.
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