By now, I assume we’re all familiar with Denver Broncos’ punter Britton Colquitt‘s recent comments directed at our local heir to the Stover throne, Justin Tucker.
In case you’ve been living under a rock, allow me to set the scene:
-Justin Tucker drills a 69-yard field goal at practice earlier this week (no immature man jokes)
-When asked about the 69-yarder, Tucker spoke about hitting a good ball in the right conditions, using an anecdote from last season in Denver when he hit the crossbar at 85 yards, suggesting an 84 1/2 yard field goal was possible in Denver, given the right conditions.
-Some knucklehead reporter looking to stir the pot asked Broncos punter Britton Colquitt what he thought about that (because why not ask the punter about a kicker instead of, you know, their kicker?)
-Britton Colquitt developed a slight twitch in his left eye, as his blood pressure spiked and he brewed over in a fiery rage, not just about Tucker’s 84-yard claim, but about the Ravens’ kicker in general.
Colquitt, via 247, then proceeded to share his ever-so-insightful views on Tucker, that are clearly common across the league:
I looked at that and I laughed. Let’s start here: Tucker loves Tucker. He loves himself so much, and I take it personally because Morgan Cox is (the Ravens’) long-snapper and he was my long snapper at Tennessee. I also take it personally because I’m a holder. If I was a kicker, the last thing I’m going to do when I make a field goal is sprint as far away from my holder and snapper, as he loves to do and just does some kind of dance. That drives me crazy…
“Second of all, you don’t get on the air and say, ‘I think I kicked an 85-yarder that hit the crossbar.’ If you hit an 85-yarder and hit the crossbar, you remember. You don’t say, ‘I think.’ I’m pretty sure I remember him missing about 15 from 60…
“Anyway, Justin, I know you’re out there and you’re probably doing your opera thing or whatever, looking in the mirror. Everyone knows you’re a great kicker, you don’t have to tell ’em.”
Yanno, Colquitt… maybe you’re right. 100% spot on with your assertions.
Maybe Justin Tucker is ‘all about Tucker,’ right Britton?
And your reason for taking it personal is because Morgan Cox was your long snapper at Tennessee… 7 years ago?
Totally legit.
Oh, I forgot- it’s also personal because you’re a holder in Denver as well, just as punter Sam Koch is for the Ravens, and we all know how much Tucker distances himself from Cox and Koch (internalizing yet another prepubescent joke…) and he definitely doesn’t like those guys, because Justin Tucker tends to think of himself as a one-man wolf pack. Definitely not in a wolf pack of sorts with Cox and Koch.
Because, like you insinuated, there’s so much tension!
Just look at them! They clearly all hate each other. Tuck is centered because he’s ‘all about Tucker,’ and Cox and Koch? Pure disgust in their eyes. Fake smiles too.
As a matter of fact, Koch and Cox, who both signed 5 year extensions with the Ravens in 2015, were likely the catalyst in the drawn out Justin Tucker contract negotiation this offseason. The two were clearly so fed up with his antics that they begged Ravens management to explore a trading partner for the pompous kicker…
And speaking of his antics, how about that absurd and excessive celebration?
Who does Tucker think he is, a wide receiver? Maybe a running back?
Doesn’t he know it’s not proper for a kicker to celebrate in the NFL? I mean, if he wants to point to the heavens, or gently make the ‘clutch’ fist? That’s acceptable, but only if he celebrates with his holder and/or long snapper. Something Tucker never does.
Not even once.
Look how self-centered he is…
And maybe next time he wants to celebrate with a dance move, he should consider including Koch and Cox instead of going solo, like you pointed out Colquitt! After all, ‘2 or more players engaging in prolonged, excessive, premeditated, or choreographed celebrations or demonstrations’ is totally not unsportsmanlike conduct, and I totally didn’t just quote that from Rule 12, Section 3, Article 1 of the NFL Rule Book.
But maybe your beef with J-Tuck comes from a deeper place than this name calling like we’re on an elementary school playground, and you just got picked last for kick ball.
Maybe we’ll start with the elephant in the room: Are you still bitter about Tucker’s game-winning field goal in the 2012 playoffs, dubbed the ‘Mile High Miracle’? Or are you upset that you can only sing in the shower when nobody is around in fear of laughter, while Tucker can legit sing opera in seven different languages?
Perhaps all of the ‘arrogance’ bashing is a deflection because your own long snapper (Casey Kreider) and your kicker (Brandon McManus) went out to Chili’s after camp earlier this week with some other guys and didn’t invite you, but then you found out they went to Chili’s and called them just to see if they’d answer and ask you to join in, but instead they ignored your call, and you can tell they ignored it because it rang twice before voicemail, and everybody knows voicemail hits after the 3rd or 4th ring, but when you asked them what they did after practice the following day they said they went home, and you know it’s a bold faced lie, and you’re simply hoping they’ll see your thoughts on Tucker’s lack of camaraderie and they’ll realize they’ve been ignoring you and feel bad, but you don’t want sympathy invites, so you’ll in turn blow them off, thus creating a viscous cycle… (ADHD for the win!)
Then again… maybe this is all self promotion.
Maybe, Britton, you’re merely taking this opportunity to shoot off at the mouth to get some buzz around your name. After all bro, you’re a 30-year old punter, and on the brink of unemployment after the Broncos spent a 6th round pick on a punter who, according to the Denver post, is giving you quite the run for your money.
Maybe you’re feeling no love in Denver, and hoping a big mouth with an average boot should net you a job elsewhere if released?
Taking a page from the ole’ Chris Kluwe book perhaps?
I’m thinkin’ like you should maybe check out Kluwe’s Wiki page to see how that worked out for him?
(Spoiler Alert: he gone!)
It’s all good though, Colquitt. I’m sure Justin Tucker isn’t concerned about your comments. After all, he’s far too busy either kicking 69-yard field goals, or maybe counting his guaranteed money from his new contract while watching replays of the Mile High Miracle (by himself of course, since his teammates loathe him), and glancing at himself singing opera in the mirror during commercial breaks…
[youtube]https://youtu.be/w0VxPN2bdNw[/youtube]
Note: This piece is strictly satirical. Well, at least the Tucker arrogance part was. I’m all team-Tuck. I Hook ‘Em when he drills a field goal. I am not, however, team-Colquitt. He’s just salty that when you Google ‘Britton’ Zach Britton of the O’s comes up first, so he’s lashing out at Baltimore sports. But back to the point- don’t take the sarcasm as my opinion. If you’re that gullible, may I suggest you avoid the scalpers lurking around M&T Bank Stadium prior to Ravens games…
