SmackTalk: Open Letter to Browns Fans

Street Talk SmackTalk: Open Letter to Browns Fans

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Dear Browns fans,

We missed you here in Baltimore, welcome back! Word on the street has it you guys drafted a quarterback again this year?


I also heard you tried a new strategy of not drafting your signal caller with the 22nd pick, and instead waited until Round 4, which is intriguing. Of course, after a brief preseason stint of thinking Brock Osweiler was your 2017 starter (and being happy about that dumpster fire), you now think a single touchdown in a Week 1 loss defines DeShone Kizer as your savior…

Disagree, much? The Browns Twitter already seems on board with the idea.

One. Game.

Aw, you guys… you’re so adorable! 

We really should just let you enjoy this honeymoon period- much like the ‘dawg [sic] pound’ has with literally every rookie quarterback before Kizer- but let’s be realists. We all know the drill here.

Kizer is going to struggle, and inevitably fail.

It’s not because of his skill set as a quarterback by any means. Personally, I have a deep burning, inner-salt when it comes to the Fightin’ Irish bandwagon (right up there with the Dukies, Tarheels, and Buckeyes), but I actually had high hopes for the signal caller…

…until he was drafted by the Browns.

Unfortunately, as history has it, Kizer is going to fall victim of ‘The Cleveland Curse’ aka ‘The Browns Blight’ aka ‘The Failing Franchise.’

Letter to Browns fans

The signs have already started popping up, despite the blinders thrown up by Browns fans after Sunday’s 18-21 loss to the Steelers.

Did y’all happen to catch those 7 sacks given up? Not his fault? Rookie nerves? Maybe blame the offensive line or the receivers for not getting open?

Yup, pretty much par for the course…

Unfortunately Browns fans, this week isn’t going to get any easier, and it’s likely to kickoff the beginning of the end for the Browns 2017 season as they’ll start the annual ‘look ahead to the draft’ talk on local sports radio. Maybe toss in an a-hole whining about Art Modell and the usual ‘Baltimore stole our team!‘ whimpers.

This week the Browns head on the road to Baltimore, where rookie quarterbacks (0-6 record) go to crash and burn.

Add the 2017 Ravens defense into that equation? And Kizer will be begging for the ice bath come halftime on Sunday, while Cody Kessler will develop a very sudden case of corvus corvax specifc ornithophobia.

Fear of Ravens, if you will.

Now, it would be foolish of me to expect more than the 7 sacks the Browns gave up last week. But it’s not foolish to expect less than 5 with a trio of turnovers, nor is it crazy to think the Browns will get less going offensively than the Bengals.

Friendly reminder: the Ravens blanked the tiger cubs last week.

Of course the Browns defense comes into this game with some serious locker room hype after holding the Steelers offense to 2 touchdowns!

Yea… remember how Le’Veon Bell missed the entire preseason in an offense that revolves around him? Their offense was rusty.

It’s not you, it’s them.

Oh, and by the way, only sacking Big Ben once, while allowing 180+ yards to Antonio Brown and allowing the 376th fantasy tight end Jesse James to score twice isn’t exactly hype-worthy, now is it?

But it’s cool because Kizer will save the Browns! Oh, and Jabrill ‘good at everything, not great at anything‘ Peppers too! Just look at this:


2nd longest in Week One? So cool you guys!

Look… Despite what you may think, my intentions are not to (figuratively) crap all over you. I’m not writing this to mock the Factory of Sadness or the Mistake by the Lake or talk about the insurmountable failures of the front office in the draft, or suggest that paper bags are the biggest import in the city of Cleveland, or laugh about the money the Browns paid Paul Kruger thinking he was a steal from the Ravens, or chortle at the thought of the Browns firing a coach in Belichick who has now become one of history’s greatest of all time, or remind you that Derek Anderson was your only successful QB of the last forever and he came from the Ravens franchise…

I guess what I really want to do is thank you.

I want to thank you for the city of Cleveland who forced the hand of Art Modell to leave for Baltimore after the city denied to help pay for a new stadium for the Browns, much like they did for the Indians. I’d like to thank you for constantly taking subpar players in the draft, increasing the odds of a stud falling to the Ravens in the back-half of the first round where we tend to sit. I feel obligated to thank you for providing our fanbase- no matter how awful the Ravens are on any given year- the comfort of knowing we’ll never be in last place in the AFC North. And most importantly, I’m thanking you for having an orange theme to a team called the Browns and for some reason, a Keebler elf as a mascot, while talking about dogs for some other mysterious reason on a team named after the Bengals owner.

It’s really all just too comical.

Along with my written appreciation, I’d like to give you all a sympathy pat on the back and an ‘it’s alright‘ after the Ravens walk away with a 27-10 win on Sunday.

That is, if any of you are left in the stadium before returning to a town where sports fans burn LeBron James jerseys, then scrape them up and pretend it never happened (get ready for round 2 when he leaves for LA in another year!). A town where the Indians blow a 3-1 lead in the World Series to a cursed Cubs team, and surely will do it again this year against the Dodgers. And a town where the football team is nothing more than the laughing stock of the sports world for the past… well, century, I suppose.

See y’all on Sunday Cleveland!


Adam BMore


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Adam Bonaccorsi

About Adam Bonaccorsi

Living on the farce-side of Baltimore sports, Adam spends his time focusing on the satirical nature of our local teams- conveniently, sometimes the narrative writes itself! He’s not one to shy away from controversial opinions, speaking his mind, or dropping a truth bomb into the Purple Kool Aid.

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