SmackTalk: Jags are a Damp Squib

Street Talk SmackTalk: Jags are a Damp Squib

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In preparation for this week’s Smack Talk for the Ravens’ first foray into NFL UK, I did some solid research: I finished 4 seasons of Sherlock (Benedict Cumberbatch is legendary), watched the OG Austin Powers (not the one Beyonce ruined), a little bit of Planet Earth II on BBC (David Attenborough’s pipes are soothing), then read 121 British idioms & phrases.

With all of that said, I’m sorry in advance for every obnoxious, possibly incorrectly-used, British phrase & gif to follow in this post.

I’ll try not to be too much of an arsehole.

Alas, here we go…

The Enemy


Let’s start with the easy punchline to get things in motion: Lindsey Duke’s boyfriend.

I mean, Blake Bortles.

See here’s the thing: in Bortles the Jags know exactly what they’ve had for several years now. A QB who throws piss in the wind, makes bad choices, and costs his team games.

For the Jags to come out with this narrative (again) of “Bortles improved!” is just asinine. Blame his shoddy offensive line if you’d like (they don’t help) but they aren’t throwing it to the wrong jerseys, are they?

Speaking of the Jags offensive line, I like to compare them to Amy Schumer. You could probably laugh… but it’s just too pathetic to muster up any emotion other than pity. At one point they had Brandon Albert as the LT via trade with the Fins. Then Brandon Albert took one look at Bortles in live action and retired.

If that doesn’t scream “awful QB,” I don’t know what does…

At least they have a stud running back right? Obviously when the Jags drafted Leonard Fournette they totally hit the jackpot!

Yea, he’s currently tied for 26th in yards per carry, and sits behind other rookies like Kareem Hunt, Dalvin Cook, & Chris Carson.

Oh, and both Terrance West (21st) and Buck Allen (18th) have a better ypc than Fournette.

Let that sink in…

Times up, let’s talk defense.

The Jags defense isn’t exactly scary stuff either. In Week 1, Jags fans were PUMPED for only allowing 7 against such a talented Texans offense! Never mind the whole thing where the Texans lost half of the offense to concussions in the game, had Tom Savage out there starting for some ungodly reason, then relied on a rookie QB in the second half in his first ever NFL game.

Or, yanno, the fact that the Texans offense is bottom-3 right now.

Nope. None of that matters, Jacksonville’s D is just amazing!

Then came Week 2.

37-16 was the final, as the Titans trounced the Jags, and the game wasn’t even as close as the 19-point victory shows. The Jacksonville defense surrendered 390 yards to the Titans, but even worse, allowed 189 rushing yards and 2 rushing TD’s.

That’s, uh… that’s not good.

One more note on the Jags: they’ve committed 20 penalties for 190 yards on the season. 4th most penalties through 2 games, and the 3rd most yardage given up. Trying to be like the Ravens, I see…

The Ravens


The Ravens are salivating at their first opponent over the pond, as they’ll look to trounce the Jags from the opening kickoff.

Looking at the turnover-prone Bortles, coupled with the Jags’ penalty-laden play, I expect the Ravens to capitalize. After all, if there’s anything the Ravens thrive at this season, it’s capitalizing on mistakes by others (see league-leading 10 turnovers).

The defense of the Ravens thus far has been nothing shy of astounding. Interceptions at every level, safeties jumping into the box to collect sacks, Terrell Suggs playing out of his mind, and pressure coming against opposing signal-callers from every which way.

The offense in Baltimore started the season a bit shaky with plenty of question marks surrounding them, but have since managed to get their act together, as Joe Flacco has started connecting on passes, taking downfield shots, throwing touchdown passes, and limiting his cringe-worthy throws.

Of course the looming issue is Marshal Yanda‘s season ending injury, with (likely) Tony Bergstrom filling in.

I, for one, ain’t scared. Bergstrom wasn’t Yanda, but then again who is? There’s been a slew of Twitter GM’s demanding the team trade for Buffalo Bill’s OG Richie Incognito; however, I think the Ravens stand pat to avoid trading away assets, and pushing more money into future years by restructuring contracts. Bergstrom is serviceable, and quite frankly, better than anything on the Jags front line. We may also see London native Jermaine Eluemunor, which would be a great story, and would surely get the home fans on the side of the good guys.

Also, Justin Tucker missed a 58-yarder, so naturally this game he’ll make a 58-yarder.

The Skirmish

The hardest part of predicting the outcome this week is knowing the exact moment in the game Bortles gets pulled.

I’m going with 7:37 left in the game.

So here’s how this plays out, British idioms and all:

Bortles plays like a damp squib (failure), as the Ravens defense will go off the trolley (insane) ripping the Jags O-Line on their way to 4 sacks, while Bortles tosses up 3 picks … until he gets pulled in the 4th quart for Chad Henne… who plays dodgy (off putting) in his own right, and throws a pick as well. Fournette will be the biggest contributor on offense with 100 total yards and a touchdown, but it’ll go relatively unnoticed.

Flacco turns in an aces (brilliant) performance under center, throwing 3 touchdowns on the day, hitting Nick Boyle, Jeremy Maclin & Buck Allen. Speaking of Maclin, he’ll go off for 8 receptions, 120 yards and said touchdown. A real corker (standout), he is.

The 3-headed running back monster of West/Allen/Collins go off for 150 total rushing yards, but only Collins finds the end zone.

With the writing on the wall of another smashing (awesome) win by the Ravens, who will move to 3-0 on the season, fans back home in the states are chuffed (very pleased), ready to take on the Steelers next week.

BAL 34

JAC 10

With the game officially in the books, take a moment to spend a penny (hit the bathroom), grab some warm lager, then get ready for the 1pm round of games!

Again, I apologize for every last one of those likely antiquated British phrases.

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Adam Bonaccorsi

About Adam Bonaccorsi

Living on the farce-side of Baltimore sports, Adam spends his time focusing on the satirical nature of our local teams- conveniently, sometimes the narrative writes itself! He's not one to shy away from controversial opinions, speaking his mind, or dropping a truth bomb into the Purple Kool Aid. More from Adam Bonaccorsi


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