Drafting the 2018 Ravens

The Fanimal Drafting the 2018 Ravens

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Mock drafts are cool and all but let’s be honest: we’ve seen plenty already. Maybe even too many…

So let’s shake things up a bit, shall we?

WHAT IF the current Baltimore Ravens roster – the rookie version of each player – represented the first round of the 2018 NFL draft?

Lucky for you, I happen to know a guy who broke it down in the middle of the night, riding on the high that was an Orioles Opening Day walk-off victory!

1. Cleveland Browns: QB Josh Woodrum

The Browns direly need a quarterback. Also, the Browns are horrendous at evaluating quarterbacks in the draft, so they take Flacco’s backup instead.

2. New York Giants: QB Joe Flacco

The Giants benefit from the Browns’ failures, and land yet another hum-drum QB (an Eli doppelganger) that’s just good enough to help them win a ‘ship or two, given a strong supporting cast.

3. New York Jets: CB Jimmy Smith

With no QBs left to poach, the J-E-T-S go for the top CB on the board. Their fans at the draft still boo, because apparently you can’t please New Yorkers (BREAKING NEWS).

4. Cleveland Browns: RB Alex Collins

There’s no way the Browns whiff on two top-5 picks (well…). Congrats Factory of Sadness! Here’s your future backfield stud that you’ll eventually screw up, then trade to the Patriots…

5. Denver Broncos: OT Ronnie Stanley

John Elway needs a strong LT candidate to protect the face of the franchise in…. Case Keenum (LOL).

6. Indianapolis Colts: WR Michael Crabtree

Following in the Ravens’ footsteps, the Colts opt to add Crabtree… then drop Ryan Grant.

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: K Justin Tucker

The Bucs taking a kicker way too early? Color me shocked!

8. Chicago Bears: OG Marshal Yanda

Da Bears have a big hole on the OL, and Yanda can protect Mitch Trubisky (they can’t all be punchline gems, folks).

9. San Francisco 49ers: OLB Terrell Suggs

They’ve already nabbed Elvis Dumervil from the Ravens in the past- why not Suggs as well?

10. Oakland Raiders: S Eric Weddle

It’s about time the Raiders get somebody who can pick off a pass successfully…

11. Miami Dolphins: TE Maxx Williams

Some team will be stupid enough to overvalue him (again). Miami fits the mold.

12. Buffalo Bills: GM Ozzie Newsome

They could use one.

13. Washington Redskins: DB Maurice Canady

The Skins would pass on Humphrey and Tavon Young, then tell everybody how much of an upgrade this is (with a straight face, somehow).

14. Green Bay Packers: WR Chris Moore

This just feels like a Packers pick. Like, the guy who everyone thinks “okay… he’ll be no good” then A-A-Ron turns him into a 1,000 yard receiver.

15. Arizona Cardinals: OLB Matthew Judon

Every year, the Ravens watch a guy they direly want get drafted right before their pick. Judon is that guy.

16. Baltimore Ravens: NT Brandon Williams

The quintessential Ravens pick- a defensive lineman in Round 1.

17. Los Angeles Chargers: RB Buck Allen

It’s like we’re returning Danny Woodhead to the Bolts, except younger and healthier.

18. Seattle Seahawks: RB Kenneth Dixon

How Seattle is this pick? It fills a need (RB), and it follows suit with their prototypical pick (chock full of suspensions & drama).

19. Dallas Cowboys: ILB CJ Mosley

There ya go Dallas! An inside linebacker who can actually stay on the field! Move over Sean Lee!

20. Detroit Lions: CB Marlon Humphrey

Matt Patricia countering the arms of Kirk Cousins, Aaron Rodgers, and Mitch Trubisky with a shutdown corner.

21. Cincinnati Bengals: TE Nick Boyle

We hear you like Tight Ends that can’t play a full season in Cincy – have we got the guy for you!

22. Buffalo Bills: OLB Za’Darius Smith

Drafting Ozzie Newsome at pick 13 is already paying dividends in Buffalo!

23. Los Angeles Rams: S Tony Jefferson

Why not add another defensive stud to the already stacked Rams defense??

24. Carolina Panthers: OT James Hurst

Remember when the Panthers gave Michael Oher a long-term deal? Then he sucked? Time for Hurst to do the same…

25. Tennessee Titans: CB Brandon Carr

Oh you already forgot that Andrew Luck may return to the Colts? And Deshaun Watson to the Texans? Titans gonna need a CB on ten…

26. Atlanta Falcons: WR Breshad Perriman


27. New Orleans Saints: DT Willie Henry

They whiffed on DT Ndamukong Suh, but land Henry in this draft. You’ve got your Willie from Baltimore, can we please have your Willie now? (get your mind out of the gutter, I meant Snead!)

28. Pittsburgh Steelers: OLB Bronson Kafusi


29. Jacksonville Jaguars: DT Michael Pierce

Duval trying to keep up with the Rams defense in terms of talent (and lbs on the front line).

30. Minnesota Vikings: OT James Hurst

Apparently John Harbaugh thinks he’s a legit starting tackle, so he’s gotta be good enough to protect Kirk Cousins, right? LOL K…

31. New England Patriots: DL/FB Patrick Ricard

The Pats take a guy that is interchangeable on offensive and defense. And the sneaky little Massholes would use him wisely, too…

32. Philadelphia Eagles: WR John Brown

Y’all snatched up Torrey Smith last year, Mike Wallace this year, now add John Brown? Wentz clearly just wants to be like Joe Flacco…

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About Adam Bonaccorsi

Living on the farce-side of Baltimore sports, Adam spends his time focusing on the satirical nature of our local teams- conveniently, sometimes the narrative writes itself! He's not one to shy away from controversial opinions, speaking his mind, or dropping a truth bomb into the Purple Kool Aid. More from Adam Bonaccorsi

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