Mock drafts are cool and all but let’s be honest: we’ve seen plenty already. Maybe even too many…
So let’s shake things up a bit, shall we?
WHAT IF the current Baltimore Ravens roster – the rookie version of each player – represented the first round of the 2018 NFL draft?
Lucky for you, I happen to know a guy who broke it down in the middle of the night, riding on the high that was an Orioles Opening Day walk-off victory!
…
1. Cleveland Browns: QB Josh Woodrum
The Browns direly need a quarterback. Also, the Browns are horrendous at evaluating quarterbacks in the draft, so they take Flacco’s backup instead.
2. New York Giants: QB Joe Flacco
The Giants benefit from the Browns’ failures, and land yet another hum-drum QB (an Eli doppelganger) that’s just good enough to help them win a ‘ship or two, given a strong supporting cast.
3. New York Jets: CB Jimmy Smith
With no QBs left to poach, the J-E-T-S go for the top CB on the board. Their fans at the draft still boo, because apparently you can’t please New Yorkers (BREAKING NEWS).
4. Cleveland Browns: RB Alex Collins
There’s no way the Browns whiff on two top-5 picks (well…). Congrats Factory of Sadness! Here’s your future backfield stud that you’ll eventually screw up, then trade to the Patriots…
5. Denver Broncos: OT Ronnie Stanley
John Elway needs a strong LT candidate to protect the face of the franchise in…. Case Keenum (LOL).
6. Indianapolis Colts: WR Michael Crabtree
Following in the Ravens’ footsteps, the Colts opt to add Crabtree… then drop Ryan Grant.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: K Justin Tucker
The Bucs taking a kicker way too early? Color me shocked!
8. Chicago Bears: OG Marshal Yanda
Da Bears have a big hole on the OL, and Yanda can protect Mitch Trubisky (they can’t all be punchline gems, folks).
9. San Francisco 49ers: OLB Terrell Suggs
They’ve already nabbed Elvis Dumervil from the Ravens in the past- why not Suggs as well?
10. Oakland Raiders: S Eric Weddle
It’s about time the Raiders get somebody who can pick off a pass successfully…
11. Miami Dolphins: TE Maxx Williams
Some team will be stupid enough to overvalue him (again). Miami fits the mold.
12. Buffalo Bills: GM Ozzie Newsome
They could use one.
13. Washington Redskins: DB Maurice Canady
The Skins would pass on Humphrey and Tavon Young, then tell everybody how much of an upgrade this is (with a straight face, somehow).
14. Green Bay Packers: WR Chris Moore
This just feels like a Packers pick. Like, the guy who everyone thinks “okay… he’ll be no good” then A-A-Ron turns him into a 1,000 yard receiver.
15. Arizona Cardinals: OLB Matthew Judon
Every year, the Ravens watch a guy they direly want get drafted right before their pick. Judon is that guy.
16. Baltimore Ravens: NT Brandon Williams
The quintessential Ravens pick- a defensive lineman in Round 1.
17. Los Angeles Chargers: RB Buck Allen
It’s like we’re returning Danny Woodhead to the Bolts, except younger and healthier.
18. Seattle Seahawks: RB Kenneth Dixon
How Seattle is this pick? It fills a need (RB), and it follows suit with their prototypical pick (chock full of suspensions & drama).
19. Dallas Cowboys: ILB CJ Mosley
There ya go Dallas! An inside linebacker who can actually stay on the field! Move over Sean Lee!
20. Detroit Lions: CB Marlon Humphrey
Matt Patricia countering the arms of Kirk Cousins, Aaron Rodgers, and Mitch Trubisky with a shutdown corner.
21. Cincinnati Bengals: TE Nick Boyle
We hear you like Tight Ends that can’t play a full season in Cincy – have we got the guy for you!
22. Buffalo Bills: OLB Za’Darius Smith
Drafting Ozzie Newsome at pick 13 is already paying dividends in Buffalo!
23. Los Angeles Rams: S Tony Jefferson
Why not add another defensive stud to the already stacked Rams defense??
24. Carolina Panthers: OT James Hurst
Remember when the Panthers gave Michael Oher a long-term deal? Then he sucked? Time for Hurst to do the same…
25. Tennessee Titans: CB Brandon Carr
Oh you already forgot that Andrew Luck may return to the Colts? And Deshaun Watson to the Texans? Titans gonna need a CB on ten…
26. Atlanta Falcons: WR Breshad Perriman
SUCK IT RYAN.
27. New Orleans Saints: DT Willie Henry
They whiffed on DT Ndamukong Suh, but land Henry in this draft. You’ve got your Willie from Baltimore, can we please have your Willie now? (get your mind out of the gutter, I meant Snead!)
28. Pittsburgh Steelers: OLB Bronson Kafusi
SUCK IT YINZERS.
29. Jacksonville Jaguars: DT Michael Pierce
Duval trying to keep up with the Rams defense in terms of talent (and lbs on the front line).
30. Minnesota Vikings: OT James Hurst
Apparently John Harbaugh thinks he’s a legit starting tackle, so he’s gotta be good enough to protect Kirk Cousins, right? LOL K…
31. New England Patriots: DL/FB Patrick Ricard
The Pats take a guy that is interchangeable on offensive and defense. And the sneaky little Massholes would use him wisely, too…
32. Philadelphia Eagles: WR John Brown
Y’all snatched up Torrey Smith last year, Mike Wallace this year, now add John Brown? Wentz clearly just wants to be like Joe Flacco…
