It’s here folks, and I’m so unbelievably jacked for it. Like…
Our 2-1 Ravens head to Pittsburgh for a Sunday Night Football clash with the 1-1-1 Steelers. While there’s plenty to be said about the actual game ahead of us, we all know that the Yinzers will be coming at the Ravens Flock on social media and on rare occasion, in person.
Unfortunately, they can’t carry an intellectual football conversation with you. Sad but true. You’ll throw facts and they’ll come back with chatter about rings from before they were born with a roster they can’t identify, garbage about how they just beat ‘a really good team,’ and then tell you how much better they are, while ignoring silly things like “stats” or “logic” or “math that takes a 5th grade education at best.”
Don’t let their idiocy discourage you, Baltimore! If anything, I say you use it to your advantage and see how quickly you can get them to cave from a football conversation and stomp away throwing a tantrum like my three-year-old when I tell her no chocolate milk for breakfast (I know, I’m such a hard ass parent).
Luckily for you, I’m the (self-appointed) Director of Snark & Trolling at Russell Street Report, and I feel it is my responsibility to ensure that I arm the entire Ravens Flock with as much ammo to shoot back at the Yinzers as possible.
And with that said, let’s go!
“I can’t hear you down there in last place!”
A solid gut-shot, and one we don’t get to use. Like, ever.
Alas, 1-1-1 will do that to a team. Sure, they won last week – and they’ll let you hear all about it – but don’t be afraid to remind them that…
“Your team tied the Browns.”
Aaaaaand cue YinzRage. Make sure you’re standing at least three feet away when you say this because they’ll likely try to swat you with their tinkle towel before they use it to nonchalantly soak up the tears. They’ll excuse the tie one of three ways:
-Rust in the first game
-Cleveland has a really good defense (that’s actually kinda true)
–“Whatever, you’ll probably lose to them!” (that’s actually not true)
Make sure you clap back with “we didn’t have rust against a bad Bills team but you did against a bad Browns team starting their actual backup QB?” and possibly throw in a “maybe if you had a real NFL kicker and a QB who doesn’t turn it over five times…” just to watch their blood boil.
But let’s focus on this game on Sunday and how we can frustrate the hell out of the Yinz-folk.
“How will your Steelers stop the Ravens offense? With your 28th ranked pass defense? Or your 25th ranked run defense? Maybe you’ll keep them off the board with your defense that’s 30th in points allowed?”
Just absolutely trash them with this line. They don’t even have a strong enough leg to stand on with that defense. They may try to blame it on the offenses they’ve played (Chiefs & Bucs are top-three offenses) and that the Ravens offense won’t run it up on them because we’re not as good, while saying our offensive stats are inflated from playing the Bills.
This is soooo good…
“The Bills Defense is statistically BETTER THAN THE STEELERS DEFENSE.”
Ya. It’s true. Let them know how the Steelers defense is worse than the lowly Bills in yards per game… and passing yards per game… and rushing yards per game… and points per game…
AND IT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE IN ANY CATEGORY.
Take it one step further – the Broncos and Bengals also have better Ds in all of these categories as well.
Seriously. The Steelers D is that bad.
Of course, once again, they’ll blame the offenses they’ve faced for the reason their D is so atrocious (piss poor excuse). Mostly because they have nothing else. But try slinging this mud…
“If you blame the offenses you’ve faced for the horrible Defense, then can we say the only reason the Steelers Offense looks good is because the Steelers have played the 31st and 32nd ranked defenses?”
Fantastic. You’ve now pinned them into a corner.
If they say no the offense is just really good and opponents don’t mean a thing? Then the defense is just really bad and opponents don’t mean a thing. If they say the teams they’ve played is why the D looks worse than they are? Then it’s also why the O looks better than they are.
They lose no matter what they say and you may actually cause them to literally freeze.
Dead silent, staring into space.
You can see the little hamster’s wheels turning inside that empty cavity between their ears.
At this point, they’ll probably try to change the topic and tell you french fry sandwiches are better than crabcakes or some stupid crap like that.
At this point? You’ve won. Game over, man. And now we sit back, relax, and watch the Ravens dismantle the Steelers on national TV, and kick them back to 1-2-1, as they remain in the AFC North cellar.