Thoughts on All 32 1st-Round Picks

Well that was a round. 

Ful disclosure: I spent my 10pm til 1am glued to a different screen for the greatest cinematic experience I’ve ever witnessed, also known as Avengers: Endgame. No spoilers here, but I highly recommend it to anyone is isn’t one of those DC Comic dorks.

As for the draft last night, I surely kept tabs with the live stream on my phone (silenced, like a good movie-goer), and much like Endgame, the draft had me laughing, excited, getting a little dusty-eyed at times… really running the full gamut of emotions. 

Here’s my quick synopsis of each pick. 

Or maybe less synopsis, and more knee jerk reaction.

Pick 1: Cardinals – QB Kyler Murray, Oklahoma

“Hey! Let’s hire a failed college football coach that doesn’t fit the offensive players we have already, let him take a new QB at #1 overall, then force us to eat $10M by trading last year’s first-round QB – who is actually a better QB-  for a Day 2 pick, only to take Murray, all because he said so.” Steve Keim is a moron.

Pick 2: 49ers – EDGE Nick Bosa, Ohio State

49ers laughing and pointing at the Cards fans at the draft, all the way to the podium. 

Pick 3: Jets – DT Quinnen Williams, Bama

Jets fans best em-Brace this pick. Q is the best player in this draft.

Pick 4:  Raiders- EDGE Clellin Ferrell

Gruden and Mayock kicked the entire scouting department out for the past week… just to make this pick? Oof.

Pick 5: Bucs – iLB Devin White, LSU

Can’t argue with the pick. Also, name me the last time you heard horseback riding being discussed in the draft.

Pick 6: Giants – QB Daniel Jones, Duke

Could not be anymore of a Giants pick to take Eli Jr at 6 when you could’ve had him at 17… or even in Round 2.

Pick 7: Jags – EDGE Josh Allen, Kentucky

Torn. On one hand, the Raiders should’ve taken Allen at 4, so the Jags had to make this pick. On the other hand, Nick Foles is all ‘WTF?’

Pick 8: Lions – TE T.J. Hockenson, Iowa

The most predictable pick in this round for the past three months.

Pick 9: Bills – DT Ed Oliver, Houston

I was really hoping Josh Allen fell to them here for all of the Spiderman pointing memes through 2022.

Pick 10: Steelers – iLB Devin Bush, Michigan

I’m not saying Bush is bad, but I will say giving up your second and a 2020 third to move up for Bush was crazy, especially with so many holes. Thanks Yinz!

Pick 11: Bengals – OT Jonah Williams, Bama

Dammit, I’m not looking forward to having our inept pass rush going up against Jonah for years to come…(and thus continuing to make Andy Dalton look like a real NFL QB in the process.)

Pick 12: Packers – DT Rashan Gary, Michigan

The Packers add more defense after spending most of FA focusing on defense. A-a-ron is FUMING…

Pick 13: Fins – DT Christian Wilkins

High-character guy, less likely to choke out a Ravens QB mid-game like a previous Fins DT. Well done.

Pick 14: Falcons – OG Chris Lindstrom, Boston College

I finally spelled his name right, because my hockey mind has gone to ‘Lidstrom’  (a la Nicklas Lidstrom) about 20 times previously. 

Pick 15: Redskins – QB Dwayne Haskins

Dan Snyder gets another QB that Bruce Allen is inevitably going to ruin.

Pick 16: Panthers – EDGE Brian Burns, Florida State

Crap, I was hoping he’d keep sliding under the radar to 22…

Pick 17: Giants – DT Dexter Lawrence, Clemson

LOL WHY?

Pick 18: Vikings – C Garrett Bradbury, NC State

Second-most slam-dunk pick is this draft. 

Pick 19: Titans – DT Jeffrey Simmons, Mississippi State

Hits a woman (on video) and currently dealing with a karma-tic ACL tear. Teams sure love their talent blinders…

Pick 20: Broncos (via Yinz)- TE Noah Fant

JOEY GOT HIMSELF A TIGHT END!

Pick 21: Packers (via Seahawks) – S Darnell Savage, Maryland

More defense in Green Bay! Glad to see a Terp make the move up to Round 1, once again!

Pick 22: Eagles (via Ravens) – OT Andre Dillard, Washington State

Whatever about the pick – the Ravens traded down to 25, which I called multiple times, so I’m a self-proclaimed draft trade guru now.

Pick 23: Texans – OT Tytus Howard, Alabama State

I pegged Howard as the first pick of Day 2 , so not terribly far off to see him this high. Still, Jawaan Taylor would’ve been the smarter pick.

Pick 24: Raiders – RB Josh Jacobs, Bama

Literally, a million times smarter than Ferrell at 4th overall. Mike Mayock, man… 

Pick 25: Ravens (via Eagles) – WR Marquise ‘Hollywood’ Brown, Oklahoma

The best part about this pick will be watching him beat the hell out of the Steelers twice a year and throwing fuel on the fire that is their bitter resentment for the Brown fam.

Pick 26: Redskins (via Colts) – EDGE Montez Sweat, Mississippi State

Dude fell FAR. Side note – why the hell did the Colts trade this pick for a mid-second and a future second? Would’ve been pissed if the Ravens made this trade.

Pick 27: Raiders – S Jonathan Abram, Mississippi State

Once again, better than Ferrell at four. 

Pick 28: Chargers – DT Jerry Tillery, Notre Dame

Philip Rivers is celebrating the Chargers not drafting his predecessor by making another baby.

Pick 29:  Seahawks – DE L.J. Collier, TCU

Trading down to take a player everybody thinks shouldn’t be taken this early- it’s the Seahawks way.

Pick 30: Giants – CB Deandre Baker, Georgia

Why the hell would the Giants trade back into the first for Baker???

Pick 31: Failcons (via Rams) OT Kaleb McGary, Washington

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Pick 32: Patriots – WR N’Keal Harry

….dammit…

So, what’s next? Our guesses here.