And Here… We… GO!

Two-Minute Drill And Here… We… GO!

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After a miserable 95+ degree day in Baltimore on Wednesday, the weather has taken a tailspin into the 70’s as fall winds start to brush leaves off trees while the smell of suntan lotion had faded into the background, replaced with the scent of pumpkin coffee, pumpkin beer, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin… pretty much everything. 

I feel like I was going somewhere with all of that visualization, but hey – FOOTBALL SEASON IS BACK!

And what better way to kick things off than a new season of 2-Minute Drills with yours truly! 

As always, we’ll start with a quick ‘around the league this week’ and since we have no games to discuss from last week (nobody cares about week 4 of preseason where nobody of value plays), we’ll stick to a quick run down of notable cuts, trades, rumors, and laughing at the Texans. 

About Last Week…

— There were some cuts. Like, a lot of cuts. Apparently this happens every year around the same time (who knew?) but the one notable name worth mentioning outside of Baltimore was rookie EDGE Jachai Polite being cut by the Jets. Not only was he cut, but he was fined over $100k for tardiness and other disciplinary issues. Polite has the physical makeup to be a great prospect (now for the Seahawks after clearing waivers) but seriously… what a freaking moron. If a team says ‘hey we committed a Day 2 pick to you, all you have to do is show up, shut up, and put up to make this team and keep your bankroll” YOU DO WHAT THEY ASK. 

— Since we’re already getting loud, let’s talk about LeSean McCoy and how Shady was cut by Buffalo then signed with the Chiefs. Some may say he signed to get close to Andy Reid again, but my theory? The Chiefs have showed us over the years that they’re fine signing guys with character flaws, and I’m pretty sure nothing tops SPOILING ENDGAME FOR FANS ON DAY ONE SHADY YOU P.O.S… #NeverForget

— Quick Texans rant: how about that great GM situation in Houston where they basically trade Jadeveon Clowney for a bag of balls, and then turn around and ship a pair of 1’s and a 2021 2nd to Miami for Laremy Tunsil and Kenny Stills? Each move in a vacuum would’ve been fine, but the totality of it makes literally no sense. The Texans essentially sold their immediate future to go ‘all-in’ on offense but have a lackluster defense. They’re apparently aiming for the Chiefs model of title aspirations…

— How about some Melvin Gordon gossip? Rumor has it the Bolts want a 2020 1st & 5th, along with a starter, as a starting price for Gordon in a trade. Yea. I’m laughing too. The other side of this rumor mill is that the best offer they’ve gotten was from the Eagles who offered Jordan Howard and a swap of mid-round picks. WOOF. 

– -BONUS LATE COVERAGE ON AB DRAMA: So now we find out that Antonio Brown got all shitty with GM Mike Mayock, punted a football and yelled ‘Fine Me!’ at Mayock. In turn, rumors swirl that the Raiders may suspend AB with an eye on voiding $30M+ of his guarantees. More so, speculation is floating that he may not even see a snap as a Raider and I’m just glowing with enjoyment here. This drama-filled a-hole thinks he’s above the league’s safety protocol, above QBs, above GMs, and that holier-than-thou mentality is going to see him done in the NFL.

Next stop for AB: Flat Earth Truther panel in Vegas. 

LAST WEEK: Ravens 20 Skins 7

I’m not wasting your time or mine with a recap of PS4 when we can look ahead to the PS5 in Miami on Sunday.

THIS WEEK: Ravens @ Fins

Sunday 9/8 @ 1pm

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Before I even mention this game – I’d love to see the Ravens come out in the all purple/gold numbers like the image above. What a way to make a statement to start the season…

So all of our Ravens hype over the past month leads to a rather cupcake of an opener in Miami against a Fins team that basically quit on the season before it even started.

Well… sorta.

Actually, what the hell are the Dolphins doing down there? How do you go from trading for Josh Rosen to starting Ryan Fitzpatrick? Why even bother with Rosen? Then they go from bringing in Jadeveon Clowney to see if they could make a trade for him to trading away Tunsil and Stills? It’s almost as if they’re a poorly run franchise that’s been stuck in irrelevance for ages, and will continue to be such for the foreseeable future…

Nevertheless, the Ravens must play the teams on the schedule, so Miami it is. 

This Ravens team – both the offense and defense – has to be licking their chops. 

Defensively, there’s been some concern about what the pass rush will look like in 2019. It’s a legit concern, but shouldn’t be an issue this week against a Miami team that just ousted their only talented OL in Tunsil, and get this: in 2018 with Tunsil they were the 32nd ranked OL. Without him, do we project them as, like, 35th? As in three other teams’ depth guys could create a new OL that would exceed the expectations of the revolving door show the Fins are sending out on Sunday? 

Expect the pass rush to eat. Five sack lunches. Om nom nom. 

As for the offense? Lot’s of ground and pound in this game. The Ravens will jump out to an early 17-0 lead then sit back and watch the trio of Gus, Ingram and Hill carry the offensive load while milking the clock. I’ve got three rushing touchdowns this game coming from Ingram (2) and Lamar (1). Speaking of QB1, I expect Lamar Jackson to throw 25 passes. Exactly 25. Completing 17 puts him at 66.7% completion which should be enough to keep the ‘he can’t throw!’ crowd at bay for one more week, as will the pass touchdowns to Boykin and Hayden Hurst

I like 220 rushing yards to go with 225 passing yards for 445 total yards of Ravens offense and we’ll call it… 38:23 Time of Possession in favor of Baltimore. 

Let’s give The Rosen One a later seven on the board versus the Ravens mop up team, and get out of the southern Florida heat as quickly as possible. 

Ravens 38

Fins 7

The Rest of the Slate

It’s Week 1 and naturally you’ll be watching every damn game possible, but here’s a few that are absolute musts on the schedule…

Packers @ Bears TNF 9/5 @ 8:30pm: The official kickoff of the 2019 NFL season is hours away! Don’t be that guy not live tweeting it or confused when your buddy texts you the word ‘doink!’ and you don’t know what he means.

Titans @ Browns Sun 9/8 @ 1pm: You’re not totally tuned in because the Ravens game is on, but if you get a commercial break try to find your way to this game. It’s the 2019 Paper Champs at home hosting the Titans, and man ohhhh man it would be sweet to see those arrogant Cleveland fans get put in their place with an L to start the year, especially against a meh Titans team.

Cards @ Lions Sun 9/8 @ 4:25pm: I know, it’s not a sexy game. Really, none of the 4pm’ers are. But for me, I want to see all of the Kyler fanatics that drafted him early in fantasy with zero disregard for their anemic OL get silenced, and I’m going to stan Matt Stafford. It’s what I do. We all have vices, and this is mine. 

Yinz @ Pats SNF 9/8 @ 8:30pm: I hate both of these teams, so knowing that one will start 0-1 is a great feeling… unless… could you imagine a tie?? That’s a literal win-win for me when it comes to the TP waving Steelers fans and the ever so arrogant Bahstan fanbase.

Texans @ Saints MNF 9/9 @ 7:10pm: Early start for Monday Night Football but part of a double header (nobody wants to watch the Raiders and hear about AB all night). The Texans just made like 12 trades for a LT and some role players while the Saints are still simmering from a non-call DPI that kept them out of the NFC Championship game last season. If you like offense, this game is for you. 

Rank Em!

In honor of Antonio Brown’s latest shenanigans…

Top-5 Biggest Drama Queens in the NFL

5. Baker Mayfield. Dude is such an arrogant kid that he feels it necessary to butt into other players’ business (see Jones, Daniel or Johnson, Duke). He’s always abrasive, outspoken, acting like Captain Asshole… and yes I know some fans love it, but to me? He comes in at number 5 of the biggest divas.

[Related: Baker Mayfield – A Train Wreck Waiting to Happen]

4. Melvin Gordon- At least Zeke signed. Gordon is still holding out, tweeting on the daily like it’s no big deal, and demanding he get paid top-3. Injuries? Nah, doesn’t matter still pay him! Oh the team offered top-5 money? Nope! Top 3 or… well, or else he sits out for eight weeks and has to come back because if not, it won’t be towards an active season and free agency gets bumped another year for him. Dumbass. 

3. Big Baby Ben: Oh Benny… everyone in Pittsburgh likes to pretend the rest of the team is the issue, but can we be honest? YOU are the common denominator, aren’t you? Do we not mention how often you threaten retirement? Or throw your teammates under the bus? Pepperidge Farm remembers…

2. Jalen Ramsey: All he does is talk. Well, and play a damn fine CB role in Duval. But the dude yaps his mouth as if he’s the ultimate authority of everything NFL related. Remember when he shit all over Joe Flacco? Or when he said he doesn’t respect Steve Smith Sr as a man? Or when he made his Mount Rushmore just 4 of himself? What an asshole.

1- AB. You knew it. There’s no way around it when a guy bleaches his mustache, forces a trade after a year-long tirade against his former team, demands a new contract, refuses to switch helmets and challenges it three times, and now gets into a pissing match with his GM (that is paying him a shit ton of money), punts a ball, and yells “Fine Me!” leading to a suspension, and could potentially void his $30M+ in guarantees. 

Right?

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Adam Bonaccorsi

About Adam Bonaccorsi

Living on the farce-side of Baltimore sports, Adam spends his time focusing on the satirical nature of our local teams- conveniently, sometimes the narrative writes itself! He's not one to shy away from controversial opinions, speaking his mind, or dropping a truth bomb into the Purple Kool Aid. More from Adam Bonaccorsi
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