Are you frustrated with NFL officials this season? Do you find yourself yelling at the TV every time the officials miss a blatant penalty or call an egregious one? Do you wish there was a way you could apply for the role, take a quick class and become an NFL official so that you could call a game by the book instead of the perceived bias that’s in place?
Well you can’t.
So why not try the next best thing, and turn some heads around the table at Thanksgiving by calling out those obnoxious family members with the NFL Officials Guide to Thanksgiving?
While they are a myriad of infractions that can be made around the table on any given holiday, we’ve taken the liberty to list some of the most common below.
Now go grab yourself a yellow napkin, slather some mashed potatoes into the fold, and get ready to launch it next time your wife tries to nab dessert off your plate!
DELAY OF GAME- SHOWING UP LATE
Delay of Game is assessed when a specific time is given for the start of dinner, everybody else in the family is around the table ready to indulge… then in comes strolling Uncle Joe in his sweatpants and tee shirt, looking at everybody like they’re all early and he’s right on time. Literally couldn’t care less. Jerk.
The penalty is assessed at dessert when everybody digs in before Uncle Joe even realizes whats going on, and by the time he grabs a plate for the pie he’s been eyeing up… GONE.
FALSE START- FOODÂ NOT READY
False Start is assessed after a specific time was provided for the Thanksgiving meal to begin… only to see that time come and go without a lick of turkey on the table. And it’s not like ‘oh the turkey took longer than I thought‘ and it’s a few minutes late. That’s a judgement call, and should not be flagged. This rule is more so for infractions when the host gives you a time and misses by a mile, leaving the entire family to indulge on Ritz crackers and cheese to satiate their appetites until further notice.
Penalty shall be enforced next holiday when the same host say s“4pm SHARP!” and you don’t show up until 5pm because the trust is gone.
UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT- TURNING OFF FOOTBALL
The NFL on Thanksgiving is just as American as pumpkin pie, turkey and the Macy’s Day Parade. You don’t turn it off. Not even at halftime. Not even if your 3rd cousins drove 5 hours to town for the holiday and they want to share family videos from back when you were all in diapers.
Penalty is enforced when you walk away after turning off the TV, as I’ll grab the remote control, turn it back on, crank the volume, take the batteries out of the remote and hide them in 2 separate locations.
DON’T. TURN OFF. FOOTBALL.
ILLEGAL USE OF HANDS- BARE HANDED PICKUP
This penalty can be drawn one of two ways:
1. When an impatient guest can’t possibly wait 5 more seconds for the serving fork to pick a piece of turkey out and they simply reach in with their fingers and grabs the piece they want because God forbid those 5 seconds pass and they don’t have that one piece, or even worse, you take the piece they wanted all along!
2. When a spouse/significant other/child feels inclined to reach over to your plate and snatch your food because it’s simply too much work to get up and get their own food.
Penalty is assessed when the culprit is caught red handed and you lick the piece they tried to take. Now let’s see you eat it jerk…
INTENTIONAL GROUNDING- OF SCRAPS
Owning a dog is awesome. Feeding a dog is necessary. Feeding a dog table scraps is even legit. But feeding a dog scraps on Thanksgiving during dinner is a MAJOR violation!
Now that Fido has a taste for turkey, he’s hitting every single lap around the table trying to beg for anything he can get his grubby little paws on. The result? My kids are too distracted to eat, which in turn distracts me trying to keep them in check, then suddenly I realize a wet, slobbery dog-nose spot on the leg of my pants because  Lassie over here  won’t leave me alone until I follow the protocol that you set in place and feed him off of my plate. And you laugh like it’s adorable… it’s not.
Penalty is assessed when I pour a beer in the dogs water bowl for my entertainment.
ILLEGAL MOTION- LOSS OF COOKIES
Everybody fills to the brim on Thanksgiving. It’s literally impossible to say “no thanks, one plate is enough for me!”
With that being said, there is still such a thing as overeating. If you typically show up to Thanksgiving equipped with sweatpants or the male equivalent of maternity jeans with that elastic waistband buried beneath the denim? You know exactly what I’m talking about. And what can overeating lead to? A flag for Loss of Cookies. And what can that lead to? A catastrophic chain reaction of the same infraction by those within proximity, who witnessed the foul first-hand.
Penalty is assessed when the original culprit is ejected from the meal, with the distinct possibility for a suspension from Christmas dinner to follow. The guilty party may take up their grievance with the home owner for a possible lifted suspension, but even if the suspension is reversed and you return to the field of play at the next holiday? The stigma will follow you, with the potential others will blackball you from future events.
Except of course that one lunatic Uncle of yours who defends such idiotic behavior, and sometimes rewards it, much to the chagrin of the rest of the family (Jerry Jones. I’m talking about Jerry Jones and Greg Hardy).
So there you have it folks- Turkey Day Officiating 101!
Feel free to share any of your holiday pet peeves and how you’d assess a penalty if you were the man in zebra stripes!
Happy Holidays All!!
