WARNING: This piece is SATIRE, meant to poke fun at the typical caller of our most popular local sports talk station. In no way are any of these “takes” meant to be taken seriously, nor do they reflect the opinion of any rational sports fan (the key word is rational). Many of you will ignore this warning and still act like it’s a serious article. You’ll comment on it about how dumb we are. Watch. It will happen.
Let me tell you something. I hate Cam Newton. Quarterbacks who celebrate are the worst. In my day, everyone just handed the ball back to the referee and trotted off the field. There was no showboating or anything like that.
I don’t even like the way these kids dance when they’re supposed to be dancing. If I had it my way, they’d be waltzing to Wacko Flacko or whatever that guy’s name is instead of coming up with these ridiculous trends. Even the macarena was too provocative for my tastes. If I wanted to shake my hips around in a circle, I’d have brought a hula hoop.
But the worst move of all time is the dab. That’s the biggest reason I hate Cam Newton. It shows that he’s having fun while playing the game. Back in my day, this game wasn’t enjoyable. It was just brutal. Clearly, Newton has no respect for that. What a thug.
Speaking of thugs, did you see Roger Goodell and Stanley dab last night?
I had my suspicions that Roger Goodell was a thug all along. Now, I know this to be true. Maybe the entire NFL is just a gang operation and Roger Goodell is Al Capone.
What’s worse, though, is that the Ravens get another thug on the roster. If they wanted a player with character issues, why didn’t they just go ahead and grab Laremy Tunsil? At least I’ve never seen him dab. I’m usually pretty opposed to the marijuana. Sitting around and smoking on your coach is such a lazy way to get a buzz. Why don’t you go out to a bar like me and get in shouting matches about sports with fellow regulars? Sure, it means I get thrown out 2-3 times per week, but that’s part of the fun and it makes for a good story.
Ronnie Stanley is worse than just a potsmoker, though. Getting drafted is nothing to celebrate. Big deal. Do you celebrate when you first start a job? No, you celebrate when you finish a project by going to the bar and yelling at people. None of this dabbing stuff. When I was growing up, men spent their time doing the two manliest activities: playing football and being a lumberjack. Girls were the ones who liked to dance. Nowadays, men are the ones who like to dance and girls are the ones dressing like lumberjacks.
All these players nowadays care about is flash. It’s not about the team anymore. It’s about me, me, me. If I was a head coach, I’d have them running suicides until they stopped. They’re just putting a show. This isn’t entertainment. It’s football. You shouldn’t be celebrating anything with more than a fist pump. That’s the only reason I like Joe Flacco. Tyrod Taylor was a much better quarterback than him, but at least Flacco knows how to celebrate a touchdown. Just a good ol’ fashion fist pump and run to the sidelines. The most manliest of celebrations. He doesn’t make a spectacle of himself. I wish I could say the same about the Ravens’ newest draft pick.
If Stanley is celebrating like this when he’s drafted, what happens when he scores his first touchdown? If we petition the NFL on change.org, maybe we can get them to stop this dab nonsense. What happens then? Does Stanley invent some new, even worse dance move to celebrate when he scores?
Oh yeah, he will never score because he’s an offensive lineman and Ozzie proved yet again he doesn’t care about players who actually puts points on the board. Last year, he picked Breshad Perriman who’s had an injured knee since high school and is a total bust. The year before that, he picked C.J. Mosley. I’ve still yet to see him get into the endzone. The year before that, Matt Elam. The same. The year before that, we didn’t even have a first round pick. It’s been since 2011 that Ozzie drafted a first rounder who’s scored points in this league. That’s just lazy.