Local Sports Media Talks Ravens
Recently I had the distinct honor of hosting a Ravens roundtable with local sports media icons to talk Baltimore sports. The experience was like a nightmare; I mean a fantasy, that didn’t come true. Well at least not yet.
TL: The Ravens are being investigated by the NFL for an alleged violation of the Collective Bargaining Agreement. The violation is said to have occurred during a recent rookie minicamp when the players wore fully padded practice gear while conducting special teams drills. Your thoughts…
Jerry Doleman: The absolute and unmitigated irresponsibility on the part of the Ravens coaching staff is preposterous and quite frankly, unforgiveable. These men are paid to know the rules and teach their players. This is like the blind leading the blind. Steve Bisciotti should be upset and there should be consequences. I would be shocked if some heads don’t roll at One Winning Drive. This is their second such violation and last time it cost the team a week of OTA’s. If this time it’s a draft pick, WATCH. OUT.
Deuce Stunningman: Speaking of watch, when I’m on the set of Fox 45 and asked to sit behind a news desk, there are times when I’ve worn a sport coat and tie but since I’m only viewed from the waist up, I can sit at that desk in my Jungle Book boxers. No one sees my pants anyway. But when I’m asked to stand, I put my pants on. So I definitely feel for the players. I really, really do.
Jason LaCostanza: I don’t quite see the parallels there Stunningman but just as I predicted years ago when this new CBA was completed, there will be problems and this is a prime example of what these pansies have done to the NFL. More importantly what has Adam Schefter reported and why the hell does Buck still use Brian Matusz?
Chappy Chester: Look, I’m a big John Harbaugh fan but if my boy Brian Billick was still at the helm and this crap happened, he’d be busting down the doors at 345 Park Avenue, screaming like a banshee and looking for the son-of-a-bitch that ratted him out. This coaching staff needs to borrow from what we do at WPMS. They need to grow a pair!
Vinny Hacchiato: WPMS! HA-HA, YUCK-YUCK, HE-HE-HE-HE, EH, EH, EH, EH, EH-EH. That’s funny. I’m sure you don’t have nooners at WPMS. HA-HA, YUCK-YUCK, HE-HE-HE-HE, EH, EH, EH, EH, EH-EH.
Seriously though, I’ll bet you a Box Hill crab cake that if I were the Ravens GM I’d make it my business to get in John Harbaugh’s grill over this one. This is embarrassing.
LaCostanza: C’mon Hacchiato. This coming from a league executive who was run out of DC and now does a 10 to 2 show…10 to 2 in Baltimore? You should get down on your knees and thank God that you have access to your dementia!
TL: Let’s shift gears here and talk about the sports media in Baltimore. I’ll name a member of the media and tell me what immediately comes to mind. First up, Mike Presto.
Doleman: Football science fiction!
Chester: The antithesis of WPMS! He gets it wrong the first time, every time!
LaCostanza: It’s not a lie if you believe it.
Stunningman: Oh, do you know the muffin man…the muffin man, the muffin man.
Hacchiato: Compared to Mike, I feel stupid and contagious.
TL: Ok let’s focus on this particular panel. I’ll ask you to look at the man next to you and share whatever first comes to mind.
LaCostanza: First thing on my mind is that I need to hit the head. I’ll be right back.
Chester (looking at Deuce): I see a pretender who everyone thought was a UHF weatherman before we put him on WPMS on Saturday mornings. If not for me, he’d probably be doing weekend weather on WVSU in Tuscaloosa.
Stunningman: I KNOW THAT STATION! Jazz format.
Oh, ooh-bee-doo,
I wanna be like you-hu-hu
I wanna walk like you
Talk like you
To-o-oo!
You’ll see it’s tru-u-ue
An ape like me-e-e
Can learn to be
Hu-u-uman
To-o-oo!
Man, I can dig me some King Louie! Jungle Book…I love you MADLY!
Hacchiato (looking at Deuce also): I see a guy who hosted a crappy radio show and if not for him I’d be unemployed. But thanks to him I’m the king of 10 to 2. HA-HA, YUCK-YUCK, HE-HE-HE-HE, EH, EH, EH, EH, EH-EH.
(Jason returns to the room)
LaCostanza: I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don’t know what in the hell it is. I look TERRIFIC in that mirror! I don’t know if it’s the tile or the lighting … I feel like Brad Pitt in there.
(Turning to his left and towards Doleman): I see a guy who’s heard, “You’re Fired!” more than the contestants on The Apprentice. (Turning to his right towards Chappy): As for you, I’m thinking Ricky Martin.
Stunningman (starts singing and dancing): Upside, inside out, she’s livin la vida loca.
She’ll push and pull you down, livin la vida loca.
Doleman: What the hell is that Stunningman?
Stunningman: I took the Ricky Martin driver out of the bag, hit it straight down the fairway and now I feel like I’m dancing on the green.
LaCostanza: It’s more like a full-body dry heave set to your lame singing.
Hacchiato: That certainly isn’t Vinny’s Boom Box material. HA-HA, YUCK-YUCK, HE-HE-HE-HE, EH, EH, EH, EH, EH-EH
TL: Last question fellas…if you could do or be something professionally other than what you already are, what would it be?
Stunningman: Livin’ la vida loca! I really, really would.
Chappy: Free the birds once and for all.
LaCostanza: I’d be a Red Sox fan. I mean Buck Showalter. Wait a minute! Make it Adam Schefter.
Doleman: When you’ve reached the pinnacle of your profession why would I want to be anything other than “The Lantern”?
Hacchiato: I’d marry a podiatrist and let her be the breadwinner while I take my kids to hockey games. Wait! I already do that!
HA-HA, YUCK-YUCK, HE-HE-HE-HE, EH, EH, EH, EH, EH-EH.
Life is good!
HA-HA, YUCK-YUCK, HE-HE-HE-HE, EH, EH, EH, EH, EH-EH.
