SmackTalk: Baltimore Snares Da Bears

Street Talk SmackTalk: Baltimore Snares Da Bears

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Last we saw the Ravens in Baltimore, we were hanging our hats and sulking, while those obnoxious, dirty yellow bandanas spun over the heads of the few remaining yinzers, sporting their jack-o-lantern-esque smiles, while mumblings of ‘6 rangs!‘ echoed throughout the nearly empty stadium (they have to speak it because they don’t know how to write it on a sign).

It was beyond painful.

The Ravens had been defeated, handily, for the second consecutive game.

Hope among the fanbase had been washed down the drain, as injuries continued to pile up, the offense could barely muster a first down let alone a scoring drive, and the once intimidating defense we saw in Weeks 1 & 2 had fizzled and burned out.

That was but a mere 2 weeks ago.

Let’s check in with our M&T Bank Stadium DJ to see if he can tell us what happened to that version of the down-trodden, hopeless Ravens team:

Thanks Mr. DJ, who thinks Taylor Swift makes sense over the PA at Ravens games!

Indeed, that Ravens team is…. yup, I’m going to drop a pun/dad joke.


John Harbaugh’s team went out to Oakland, must have had some sort of ‘come to Jesus’ meeting or something, somehow forgot about those previous two weeks worth of debacles, apparently used hypnosis on Dean Pees & Marty Mornhinweg to snap them out of their collective vanilla play calling, and after all was said and done?

The Ravens came away with a team win, dominating every single facet of the game.

Faith has been restored to the fan base in Baltimore, and that swagger is back in full force!

Now they return to Baltimore with a newfound hunger, looking to feast on their favorite gameday meal:


It’s no secret that the Ravens appreciate the opposition serving them up a rookie signal caller on a platter, much like Chicago is going to do come Sunday, with Mitch Trubisky.

***SIDE NOTE***- Coming into the NFL “Mitch” Trubisky suddenly decided he wanted to be called “Mitchell.”Nah, son. You gotta earn that! You don’t just demand it suddenly after an entire collegiate career of “Mitch.” So until you can play at the level of a Deshaun Watson, or Carson Wentz or even a Jared freakin’ Goff? YOU ARE MITCH.

Let’s not beat that Ravens rookie QB record to death, because it’s brought up so often and never seems to change- the Ravens are 12-0 at home against rookie quarterbacks. They tend to sack them a lot. Force turnovers. Basically make the young buck wish he was back in his safe dorm room at college where the big bad men can’t hurt him.

This Sunday will be no different, of course.

Sure, Brandon Williams is out, but this front 7 is no joke, even without B-Will, and will keep Trubisky con-tained, con-fused, con-tacting his psychiatrist to discuss his newfound ornithophobia, and con-templating a new career come 4pm.

Don’t be shocked if we see another Eric Weddle/Tony Jefferson blitz from opposite sides, and with Trubisky back there and more likely to cough that ball up, I can see a defensive score in the works this week.

If that specific play happens?

It will assuredly be one of those top plays of the season we’ll be seeing replayed over and over and over again.

While most folks around Baltimore aren’t worried about the Ravens defense against the rookie quarterback, many are concerned about the offense.

Can they do it two weeks in a row?

Will the Bears pose a bigger threat than the Raiders did?

Did we leave Mornhinweg on the left coast?

I’ll say yes, yes, and unfortunately, no, respectively.

The name that continues to come up when talking about the Bears defense is former Raven, Pernell McPhee.

Congrats, Chicago! You managed to find the only defensive player not re-signed by the Ravens to actually not suck once he left Baltimore!

That truly is a rare feat!

Unfortunately for McPhee & the Bears, their front 7 will be neutralized by 2 factors: the Ravens’ offensive line, and Alex Collins.

Feels strange to say it, but do it again.

Alex Collins of the Ravens carries the ball.


Remember how the Ravens managed to neutralize Oakland’s front 7 last week, reducing former DPOY Khalil Mack to name-calling (he called Ryan Jensen “soft”) as if it was going to make him breakdown into tears and quit football?

Yup. That’ll happen again on Sunday versus Chicago.

As for Collins, that blazing speed around the edge will stretch Chicago thin, as they’ll struggle keeping up with him.

Oh, and check this for the record:

Collins has the 4th most carries of 15+ yards in the NFL.

On only 37 carries.

Apparently this is good.

So yes, on paper it looks like the Ravens have the Bears; number. But as I’ve recently learned from a Steelers fan who SWEARS Big Ben & his fist-full-o-picks will beat the Chiefs… who are 5-0… and playing in Kansas City… history matters this week more than silly things like statistics and, yanno, actually being the better team.

Idiot PIT fan

Fair. So let’s look at history here, shall we?

The Bears are 3-2 against the Ravens.


BUT… the last time the Bears visited M&T Bank Stadium was back in 2009, where they suffered a 31-7 loss the the Ravens.

Let’s keep digging… in this game, Joe Flacco was 21 of 29 for 234 yards and 4 TDs. Those 4 touchdowns are the 2nd most of his career (5 vs Tampa Bay, and he also threw 4 versus Miami last season).

While this wasn’t the most TDs Joe has thrown in a game, he came away with a 135.9 QB Rating against the Bears – the highest of his professional career.


And for the record, Flacco had this immaculate game with a 20 degree windchill blowing in his face, while throwing touchdown passes to Todd Heap (x2), Derrick Mason and this guy:



The most recent bout between the teams was a Ravens overtime loss in Chicago in 2013. You should remember this game for 3 reasons:

  1. Tornado warning stopped the game for more than an hour
  2. The winds knocked down passes and field goals all game long, forcing both teams to the ground.
  3. Freakin’ Josh McCown had the Ravens’ number again. Jerkass.

Ultimately, I disregard this game in history because mother nature took over. She was the ultimate winner that week.

So everything is coming up Ravens this week? Do the Bears have any hope, whatsoever?

Sorry Chicago, but the dude drinking Busch said nah. Best ya’ll just stick to the baseball thing for now…

Oh, and thanks Chicago for continuing the DC curse! The Caps fan in me was kinda salty, but the Orioles fan in me is still laughing several days later!

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Adam Bonaccorsi

About Adam Bonaccorsi

Living on the farce-side of Baltimore sports, Adam spends his time focusing on the satirical nature of our local teams- conveniently, sometimes the narrative writes itself! He’s not one to shy away from controversial opinions, speaking his mind, or dropping a truth bomb into the Purple Kool Aid.

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