In case you were too busy watching brackets continue to get busted last week and over the weekend (you had a better chance of winning at your neighborhood casino’s touchdown slots game), we are officially in the next phase of the NFL offseason: the NFL Owners Meeting in Tampa Bay, Florida.
In anticipation of this week’s meetings, the league released a list of proposed changes to the NFL rules. Overall, there are (26) rule changes being proposed, with the following breakdown:
-10 Playing Rule Proposed Changes
-12 Bylaw Proposed Changes
-4 Resolution Proposed Changes
Of the 26 proposed changes, (15) were proposed by the NFL Competition Committee, (2) each by the San Francisco, Buffalo Bills, and Washington Redskins, and (1) each by the Minnesota Vikings, Miami Dolphins, Denver Broncos, New York Jets and Los Angeles Chargers.
So in essence, the Competition Committee a handful of whiny teams.
Here’s the best part though- of the (26) proposed changes? The only significant changes come to the ‘what’s a catch?’ controversy, adding a few plays (roughing the passer, defenseless receiver, personal foul) to the reviewable category, and the Jets trying to shorten DPI from a spot foul to a 15-yard penalty.
Otherwise? Much like my articles, it’s just a collection of words that don’t really say anything at all *insert self-inflicted rim-shot*
So why not spice things up a bit? How about some legitimate rules that fans can get behind?
2018 Rule Change Proposals
1. For every NFL broadcast on NBC, broadcast member Cris Collinsworth shall be stricken from usage of the phrase “Now here’s a guy.” (i.e. – ‘Now here’s a guy who is looking like he’s finally living up to his draft pick!’). For every usage of the overused ‘catch phrase,’ Mr Collinsworth shall be fined $10,000 per incident, up to 5 incidents, for a maximum fine of $50,000. In the event the 5th incident occurs, Mr. Collinsworth shall be suspended for the remainder of the season, only to be replaced by Sir David Attenborough, of the Planet Earth series on BBC America, if only for fans to enjoy the accent on his pronunciation of NFL player names, and confusion between NFL football and Rugby rules.
2. The White Stripes song “Seven Nation Army” can never be played by an NFL team during an NFL game, ever again. It is without question that the 15 year old, tiresome ‘anthem’ has saturated both collegiate and professional sports venues for the better part of the past decade. As such, it’s ineffectiveness in generating excitement is the equivalent of a Chris Berman “Back! Back! Back!” or a “Babyyyy!” from the trap of Dick Vitale. Should a violation of this rule be committed, the home team shall be forced to play Taylor Swift’s Greatest Hits for the remainder of the game.
3. NFL scoring celebrations shall be MANDATORY. In order to generate more excitement and ‘buzz’ within the game experience, all NFL teams must perform some semblance of a celebration immediately after each scoring play (touchdown, field goal, 2-point conversion, safety, and successful extra point attempt). All successful celebrations must adhere to the following 3 requirements: 1) involves multiple players, 2) usage of a prop (football, goal post, pylon, referee’s apparel, etc.), and 3) minimum 3-step choreographed motions. Should the celebratory event not meet all necessary guidelines, the opponent can chose to either deduct points from the scoring attempt (-2 on touchdowns, -1 on 2 point conversions, and negates successful extra point), or force the opponent to perform the 2000 Nsync hit ‘Bye Bye Bye’ dance on their next scoring possession in addition to the necessary celebration for all scoring plays.
4. Replace ‘The Official Pizza of the NFL’ with ‘The Official Taco of the NFL.’ Per recent studies, 100% of fans proposing this change agree that pizza has become far inferior to tacos when it comes to both NFL Game Day food, as well as every day food for anybody with a decent set of taste buds. Furthermore, pizza chains (including both former NFL partner, Papa Johns, as well as current partner, Pizza Hut) are simply unable to satiate the taste of anyone who has ever enjoyed pizza from a smaller, local chain. As such, the NFL can do away with the pizza appeal as a whole (stadium concession sales show it’s near the bottom of the sales revenue, just ahead of popcorn, and slightly behind peanuts) and replace with tacos. And maybe bacon. Also, maybe fried chicken too. Basically, anything other than pizza.
5. The NFL shall adopt a ‘power play’ policy as a result of personal foul penalties. In lieu of ’15 & a 1st’ as a result of a personal foul penalty in the NFL, officials shall assess the penalty to the necessary player/team, then deem said player benched for a 2 minute ‘power play’ stretch, in which the guilty team must play 1 man down (11 vs 10) or until either 1) the duration of 2 minutes of continuous play time (clock stoppage does not result in stoppage of power play clock) comes to an end, or 2) the team on a power play scores.
6. The NFL Pro Bowl will be moved to never, located at nowhere, for the duration of always. It has finally come to our attention that NFL fans simply aren’t attentive to, nor interested in, the NFL Pro Bowl. As we understand in our study groups, this new phenomena is actually not new – apparently it’s been an issue for over a decade. As such, the NFL shall ban the Pro Bowl game altogether. While the game is no longer in play, players shall still be selected to the Pro Bowl based on current selection formats, and the Skill Challenges will still take place; however, the events shall take place at the site of the Super Bowl, on the weekend prior to the Super Bowl.
7. The NFL shall ban white cleats from the field of play. One of the biggest issues of the numerous reviewed toe-tapping catches is centered around a white shoe/white sideline discrepancy, as it’s difficult differentiating where one ends, and one begins. As such, players much no longer wear white cleats during any regular season or playoff games. The league recommendation would be wearing team colored cleats. If the violation occurs, a player will be forced to play the remainder of the game in flip flops. A second violation within the season mandates Crocs.
8. Mandatory Color Rush uniforms increases. 100% of those surveyed (I asked myself) agree that the Color Rush uniforms are awesome (at least in Baltimore). As such, teams will go from wearing the uniforms on Thursday Night Football only, to a minimum 8 games in total, broken down to 4 home and 4 road games. No (2) teams shall wear Color Rush in the same game; instead, the opponent shall wear mandated white out or black out uniforms. This policy will also force teams with awful Color Rush uniforms (Jaguars, Browns) to reassess their color schemes and do better, and until then, be laughed at relentlessly by opposing fanbases.
Did we miss any others?
Want commercials to be removed during game broadcasts and instead, live stream the conversations between officials and players? Need football psi levels checked with every single Patriots snap? Demand the Browns choose between one of their 3 mascots (elf/dog/dude with brown paper bag over head)? Think all reviews should be limited to 60 seconds and not a second more?
Feel free to chime in with some great ideas!
We’ll accept mediocre ones as well…
