Dez Whiffs on Ravens This Time Around

The best part of free agency is over… the draft is over… so the NFL goes into remission until Training Camp, right?

WRONG!

Plenty of crazy went down this past week in the NFL, from DC scandals (non-political) & lawsuits, to retirements and overpaid ring-less quarterbacks. Let’s run down the quick scoops!

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10-The 2018 Draft in the books! We’re officially a full week in the books since the NFL draft, and I gotta tell ya… when it’s done, I’m done. I don’t need post-draft power rankings as if you can predict the exact impact of a handful of players per team that have never seen the NFL field. I’m not interested in draft grades. I’m ignoring the 2019 projections. These rookies all have teams now, and we’re onto OTAs! 

9-Kickoff Rule changes coming… Oh boy. This could be bad. REAL BAD. The NFL hasn’t exactly said what the planned changes will be – and it doesn’t sound like they’re going to obliterate the kickoff altogether – but any change is going to piss off traditionalist fans. My 2 cents? I sympathize with the NFL, as they’re stuck between a rock (traditionalists) and a hard place (concussion/CTE lawsuits). It’s all very “damned if you, damned if you don’t,” but at the end of the day, they have to make the decision that’s best for the future of the league.

8-Eric Reid filing a collusion grievance? Speaking of lawsuits, Safety Eric Reid is following in the footsteps of his former teammate Colin Kaepernick and filing a collusion grievance against the NFL. Regardless of your political stance, or opinion on their cause, I think Reid is jumping the gun here. At least Kaepernick spent an entire year out of the league before suggesting collusion. Reid hasn’t even waited 3 months of free agency!

7-Big Ben plans to play ‘3-5 more years’ Sooooo let me get this straight… Big Ben, for the second straight year, goes into the offseason as ‘non-committal’ for the upcoming season, and lest we forget his “maybe I don’t have it anymore” whimpering during the ’17 season. In response? His team drafts a quarterback that the media looks at as the future of the franchise, and suddenly? Ben is all like “I was just messing with you guys! I’m totally playing for 3-5 more years guys!” which is…. I’m embarrassed for Ben. Your cry for attention backfired, bud. It makes the Brett Favre 4x retirement look noble. Good luck holding onto your job!

6-Dez still dangling in Free Agency. This is borderline hilarious… so Dez Bryant, following his pink slip via Jerrah Jones, puffs his chest up and claims he’ll make the Boys pay twice this year… except none of the NFC East teams are interested. As a matter of fact, nobody is interested. The Ravens are the only team to make an offer, similar to the 21/3 deal they gave to Crabtree, and Dez turned it down. Allegedly, he only wants a one year (big money) deal, but nobody is picking up their phone to offer Dez anything at all. Blame his diva attitude, his issues over the years, his agent, or whatever you want, but ultimately, Dez is not going to get paid anything close to what he deems himself worth, which can only lead to more tantrums in the future…

Now I say that, and he’ll end up taking a 1-year deal with the Patriots, won’t he?

5-Jason Witten following in Romo’s footsteps. After a week of lingering suspicion, it looks like Cowboys Tight End Jason Witten will be hanging up the cleats after a long (HOF worthy?) NFL career. The next step in his career? Heading to the broadcast booth, much like his BFF Tony Romo, of course! Personally, I’m a huge fan of the shift in NFL booth bodies to recently retired players. Some folks aren’t Romo fans specifically, but the analysis from a player who just left the sidelines is a fresh take on the stale, redundant banter from the current color analysts on the major networks. 

I long for a day when they can get Peyton Manning and Tom Brady in the booth together to broadcast a Colts/Pats game, as we listen to the tension boil over, probably culminating in a slap fight…

4-Breshad Perriman‘s 5th year option declined. In not-so-breaking-news-that-we-saw-coming-from-a-mile-away, the Ravens opted to decline the 5th year option on WR Breshad Perriman that would have paid him… well, anything would’ve been too much. Regardless of the Ravens not using any early picks on a wideout, I still strongly believe the former-first round pick ends up on the wrong end of a pink slip come Week One. 

While we all lament the pick in hindsight, I have to defend the Ravens here when I look at every WR drafted after Perriman through Round 3: Phillip Dorsett, Devin Smith, Dorial Green-Beckham, Devin Funchess, Jaelen Strong, Chris Conley, Sammie Coates, Ty Montgomery. The lone exception to the rule of garbage wideouts was Tyler Lockett… who went Round 3. THAT WHOLE DAMN DRAFT WAS AWFUL FOR WIDE RECEIVERS!

3-Matt Ryan gets PAID. Matt Ryan is now the richest quarterback in the NFL without a ring. Ryan signed an extension yesterday for 5 years, and becomes the first quarterback to make $30M/year, paired with a $100M guaranteed, which I assume he plans on using that money to buy a ring. Yanno what the best part of this deal is? Ryan is paid like the best QB in the NFL, when he’s not even top-5!

Rodgers, Brady, Brees, Ben are without a doubt better (and have rings), and in my opinion? I think it’s safe to say Wilson and Cousins are right there too. Hell, Wentz can be considered AND I’ll go as far as to say Ryan won’t be a top…. let’s say top-8 NFL QB next season. Enjoy your last year of Julio Jones before you can’t afford him!

2-Skins cheerleader allegations bring out hypocritical team response. I feel like this story has gone so far under the radar, simply because of the timing around the NFL Draft, but allegations were made this week by former Skins cheerleaders that five years ago on a Costa Rica team trip, the team mandated a topless photo shoot, required cheerleaders to ‘escort’ male representatives of the team at a nightclub, and confiscated all cheerleader passports once on the island. Which, if I may say so, is absolutely inexcusable and disgusting behavior, even for a franchise with the reputation of a broken moral compass. 

So where’s the irony? The team response essentially claimed to have ‘great appreciation and respect for our cheerleaders’ and claims they ‘are exemplary members of our organization and are worthy of our utmost respect.’ While that’s exactly what any team should say, hearing a team named the Redskins suggesting that they fully support a minority group that is being screwed over by their franchise, while simultaneously refusing to change their name is beyond laughable…

1-Cinco de Mayo hot takes! ***fire emoji x20*** Tomorrow is Cinco/Drinko de Mayo and I’d first like to take a second to ask all of you to celebrate responsibly; take an Uber/Lyft, don’t engage in fisticuffs, and try not to be overtly offensive then blame it on booze, okay? 

Right, now onto the hot takes! I’ll give you 3 that pertain to the average festivities on May 5th at your local bar/pub/dive:

-Tacos are vastly superior to any pizza ever made, and more so, any version of a fish taco is the pinnacle of taste bud amazement. If you want some top notch places to go, I’ve got a ranking/list. I take this very seriously…

-Corona Extra. NEVER Corona Light (I was once told during a golf outing “I only drink Corona Light on the course because it’s essentially drinking water! Gotta stay hydrated!”). Also, pay the extra money for Patron over cheap Jose Cuervo, and while on the topic of tequila shots, NEVER DO A STUNTMAN SHOT – I LEARNED THE HARD WAY ON MY 21ST BIRTHDAY BECAUSE I WAS AN IDIOT.

-AVOCADO IS NOT GOOD. There’s nothing you can say to convince me otherwise. Not on toast or tacos, not in the form of guacamole, not with green eggs & ham. It’s the worst texture imaginable and has a flavor akin to a piece of cardboard stuck on the back of a tractor getting drug through grass covered in morning dew.