NostraDumbass: NFL Draft Edition

NFL Draft NostraDumbass: NFL Draft Edition

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It’s NFL Draft Day, and I’m riding a rollercoaster of childlike Christmas morning feels, coupled with crippling depression realizing it’ll all be over in three days, prompting us to set in for the NFL hibernation period until July. 

Ah well, you live in the moment and enjoy things like the NFL Draft while they’re here! And speaking of living in the moment, I’m about ready to fire off the hot takes for this year’s event!

Ready?

Tough shit.

Day One

  1. The Arizona Cardinals aren’t taking QB Kyler Murray first overall because they’re not dumb enough to downgrade their QB situation while paying Josh Rosen to play for another team, just because “kLiFf SaId He LiKeD kYlEr OnCe.” ITS. ALL. SMOKE.
  2. That being said? Kyler is still the top pick… to the Raiders, via trade.
  3. Four QBs get drafted in Round One: Kyler (Raiders), Haskins (Skins), Lock (Denver), Jones (Giants). 
  4. Despite our affinity for wideouts, only two will get drafted in Round One, and neither before pick 20.
  5. No – Hakeem Butler isn’t going Round 1 because 15.5% and if you don’t know what that means then you’re not paying attention.
  6. Only one Running Back gets drafted in Josh Jacobs (Philly).
  7. Seven trades in Round One, two of which are courtesy of the Baltimore Ravens.
  8. Baltimore ends up with the 32nd pick, thanks to a swap with Philly (R1P25) and New England (R1P32), adding a 3rd and a 4th. 
  9. Ravens pick at 32: EDGE Chase Winovich (I don’t care if you think he’s overrated because you’re wrong).
  10. Biggest Riser on Day One: Maryland Safety Darnell Savage sneaks up to the Seahawks second pick (formerly Chiefs pick).
  11. Biggest Fall on Day One: WR DK Metcalf is not only not a top-10 pick, he’s the 2nd wideout off the board at pick 25 (Pats).

Day Two

  1. First 3 picks of Round 2: OT Tytus Howard (ARI), WR AJ Brown (IND), RB Miles Sanders (OAK)
  2. Receiver runs start early in Round 2, with three of the first seven picks at the position (A.J. Brown, N’Keal Harry, Parris Campbell), prompting Ravens fans to lose their freaking minds.
  3. Patriots draft QB Jared Stidham because why the hell not?
  4. QB Will Grier to the Chargers and Philip Rivers gets PISSED.
  5. Ol’ 15.5 still sitting there as we get into Round 3…
  6. The Ravens pair their newly-acquired 3rd and 4th rounders to move into the bottom of Round 2 (via Philly, again).
  7. Ravens Round 2 pick: WR JJAW because he’s a stud and how dare you question me?!
  8. Ravens Round 3 picks: OG Connor McGovern Penn State/ EDGE Jachai Polite, Florida ****all the fire emojis****
  9. Re: Polite – the Ravens use some Day 3 capital to slide up ahead of Carolina and New England to lock the pick in. Suck it, Belichick.
  10. Biggest Riser on Day 2: C Elgton Jenkins, who should be a Round 3/4 pick, but goes in the 32-45 range
  11. Biggest Fall on Day 2: TE Irv Smith was once getting end of Round 1 hype, but falls to mid-3rd round

Day Three

  1. Are you still watching?
  2. Do you even know these players?
  3. I don’t even know where half of these small schools are on the map…
  4. Ravens 4th Round Picks: WR Miles Boykin, Notre Dame/ LB Jahlani Tavai, Hawaii
  5. Ravens 5th Round Picks: RB Rodney Anderson, Oklahoma
  6. Ravens 6th Round Picks: WR Penny Hart, Georgia State
  7. Biggest surprise of Day 3: RB Elijah Holyfield goes undrafted
  8. Mr. Irrelevant: QB Trace McSorley

There it is! We’ll check back in next week to see how accurate NostraDumbass was this go around! Enjoy the NFL Draft and remember: there’s still room on the #TeamTradeback bandwagon!

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Adam Bonaccorsi

About Adam Bonaccorsi

Living on the farce-side of Baltimore sports, Adam spends his time focusing on the satirical nature of our local teams- conveniently, sometimes the narrative writes itself! He's not one to shy away from controversial opinions, speaking his mind, or dropping a truth bomb into the Purple Kool Aid. More from Adam Bonaccorsi

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