It really takes a mouth-breathing, low-IQ, intellectually-deficient moron to take a look at the NFL schedule in May and try to predict what’s going to happen the following fall and winter.
And here I am, ready to serve.
Let’s dive into the Ravens’ 2023 schedule and take a stab at some of these games. I would advise you not to use these in any gambling efforts, but if you do… well, that’s natural selection, folks.
Week 1 vs. Texans
It’s hard to look at the 2022 Texans and try to take much out of it because so much has changed. New head coach. New quarterback. New edge rusher. Still, this was a 3-13-1 team last year. One offseason is not going to sufficiently erase all that stink.
Ravens 27 Texans 13
Week 2 at Bengals
We’ve been looking forward to this one ever since Tyler Huntley’s ill-advised leap into the netherworld that resulted in Sam Hubbard scoring a winning touchdown and Mark Andrews appearing on hundreds of memes. Still, tough order to win this one with a new offense and new weapons still getting used to playing together.
Bengals 23 Ravens 20
How did the refs miss the Bengals’ block in the back on Mark Andrews??? pic.twitter.com/JNfyBs9CJT
— Brian Y (@byysports) January 16, 2023
Week 3 vs. Colts
Remember what I said about the Texans, with their new coach, new quarterback, etc.? Same goes here, but I think the Colts are a little better all-around than the Texans at this point, so I don’t expect the same 27-13 win as I predicted Week 1. It will be a closer score.
Ravens 27 Colts 14
Week 4 at Browns
Another divisional road game, and the Browns will presumably have better quarterback play this season with Deshaun Watson having an entire offseason and a few games under his belt. Still, I think the Ravens are better on offense, defense, special teams and coaching. Also, I just don’t see Watson being able to massage out a win here.
Ravens 33 Browns 16
Week 5 at Steelers
This game will just always be close, no matter who is suiting up, it seems. The Steelers have appeared to improve their offensive line a good deal this offseason, and they’ve made significant investments in their defensive backfield. I still like the Ravens here, and their ability to put up just enough points to get this win.
Ravens 23 Steelers 20
Week 6 vs. Titans (London)
This looks like a game the Ravens should be able to win on talent alone, especially if the Titans have moved past Ryan Tannehill at quarterback and began the transition to Will Levis. Still, every team seems to offer up a clunker every year, and judging by the Ravens’ last trip overseas, I’m predicting it happens this week in one of the least aesthetic and inspiring football games the world has ever seen.
Titans 12 Ravens 10
Week 7 vs. Lions
Detroit really seems to be building something these days, and they can cause problems, both on offense and with their developing pass-rush. Still, I like the Ravens here, and think Justin Tucker wins it with a 67-yard field goal, leading Dan Campbell to bite the kneecaps off a line judge in retaliation. Oh, the humanity!
Ravens 34 Lions 33 Line Judge -2
HISTORY!
Justin Tucker with an NFL record 66-yard field goal to beat the Lions 😱 pic.twitter.com/ObnrUNSNEI
— Pickswise (@Pickswise) September 26, 2021
Week 8 at Cardinals
The Cardinals should stink on ice this year. But not regular ice. No, that fine little chopped ice you get at some restaurants that kind of coagulates together and makes a strangely-shaped piece of ice that you’re not sure what it’s good for at all when you look at it. Kind of like Kyler Murray.
Ravens 41 Cardinals 23
Week 9 vs. Seahawks
Geno Smith had a tremendous season last year, and the Seahawks have created a terrific receiver group with DK Metcalf, Tyler Lockett and Jaxon Smith-Njigba. They also have a defense that’s beginning to take shape. I don’t love this matchup, even though the Seahawks are traveling east for a 1 p.m. start. Still, I think Lamar Jackson can make one more play than Smith, and I want to see Pete Carroll angry-chewing his gum as they walk off the field.
Ravens 30 Seahawks 27
Week 10 vs. Browns
Another game against the Browns, and I still dislike Deshaun Watson and everything about him. “No” means “no” for the Browns’ chances here.
Ravens 27 Browns 23
Week 11 vs. Bengals
I think the Ravens are going to be humming along pretty well at this point, and see them evening up their season slate against the Bengals. For poetic justice, let’s say Michael Pierce picks up a late fumble and scampers 90 yards for the winning score with Ja’Marr Chase riding his back like a pony for the last 89 yards.
Ravens 20 Bengals 16
Week 12 at Chargers
A second prime-time game in a row, and this one on the road on the wrong coast of these fruited plains. I think this one will be fun to watch if you’re a football fan, but potentially agonizing for the Ravens as the travel catches up to a team that has yet to have a bye.
Chargers 34 Ravens 27
Week 13 Bye
Marlon Humphrey will Tweet something that makes all of us wonder exactly from which planet he departed before arriving at the University of Alabama. Ben Cleveland gets medical attention for some kind of bacteria he picks up at an all-you-can-eat squirrel buffet, and someone on Ravens Twitter suggests the Ravens would have beaten the Chargers if they’d have retained Greg Roman.
Squirrels 11 Ben Cleveland 9
Week 14 vs. Rams
The Rams being recent Super Bowl champions and having names like Aaron Donald and Matthew Stafford makes this look interesting. But it’s not. They have lost some serious talent. Ravens bounce back, and Sean McVay is looking at retirement destinations on his phone by the end of the third quarter.
Ravens 37 Rams 16
Week 15 at Jaguars
The Ravens dropped a tough one to the Jags last year, and most are expecting Jacksonville to be a better team this year. I think the Ravens will be, too. Also, I don’t like Trevor Lawrence’s hair. Granted, I’m bald, so there’s a slight chance that… But I digress.
Ravens 27 Jaguars 24
Week 16 at 49ers
Second tough road game in a row, and this one falls on Christmas night. Back-to-back road games are tough. Having the second against this 49ers team is even tougher. I do think JK Dobbins puts a cut on fellow Ohio State alum Nick Bosa that makes the all-world defender literally split in half on the field.
49ers 20 Ravens 13
Week 17 vs. Dolphins
This one could be fun, assuming both starting quarterbacks are still taking snaps and we have good weather to see all these playmakers make plays. I feel like these last two Dolphins wins in the series have left a bad taste in the Ravens’ mouths. I also see the run game taking this one over in the second half.
Ravens 28 Dolphins 20
Week 18 vs. Steelers
Mike Tomlin needs this one to pull out a 9-8 season, and he gets it, as a disguised Roger Goodell appears on the field in the fourth quarter and blows a magical sleeping dust into the eyes of Ravens players during a huddle, allowing their tiny-handed quarterback an open alley to score on a winning 84-yard scramble as time expires.
Steelers 24 Ravens 23
One Response
Just hoping they KNEEL during the anthem for the London Game again!!