Breaking Out the Old Crystal Ball
Wiser people than me have opined that only a fool would try to predict the future.
Well, I am that fool. And I’m about to predict the future.
Now that the NFL has released the official schedule for the 2024 season, it’s time to take stock, consider all of the elements in play any given week, pretend to have a grasp on injuries and player progression and regression, and give you my best guess as to how the regular season will play out.
No, that’s not right. Saying “guess” makes it seem like there’s no science to this. I assure you… well, yeah. It’s just a guess. There’s no science at all in this. Either way, let’s do this.
Week 1
Ravens at Chiefs
There’s already been talk about this being a revenge game, but even a 74-0 win wouldn’t let the Ravens back into last February’s Super Bowl. They won. It’s over. That being said, a win against Pat Mahomes, Travis Kelce, Taylor Swift and Andy Reid would sure feel sweet. I’m predicting both teams take a small step back on defense this season, but this will be a tight one throughout.
Ravens 20 Chiefs 19 — Chiefs miss a tying extra point with the clock at :00 because the kicker was distracted by women holding jobs at the stadium.
Week 2
Raiders at Ravens
Two teams with reputations for fighting and scrapping and playing hard-nosed football take the field in the Ravens’ home-opener, but only one has Lamar Jackson, while the other features Gardner Minshew, Aidan O’Connell and the ghost of Daryle Lamonica. I’m going to go ahead and take the team with Jackson.
Ravens 33 Raiders 6 (first downs, not points)
Week 3
Ravens at Cowboys
I feel like the Ravens are the better team on both sides of the ball in this one, as I just don’t trust the Cowboys’ line play all that much this year. That being said, this one just feels like it could be one of those two or three face-flops we see from the Ravens every season. Looking at this with a clear-analytical mind, I see Jerry Jones manipulating the weather whenever the Ravens have the ball, and I’m not ruling out a potential Super Bowl-esque “power failure” whenever the faithful are singing Seven Nations Army from under their purple cowboy hats.
Cowboys 24 Ravens 16
Week 4
Bills at Ravens
I’ve gone from really liking Josh Allen and the Bills to… what’s the opposite of that? Right, I really don’t like them all that much anymore. My biggest prediction here is that a Ravens defender gets hurt pre-game while walking from his car to the player’s entrance because of a flying table shard from some drunk Bills’ fans tailgating too close to the stadium. Still, I feel like the Ravens defensive backs can hold up against this receiving group, and Roquan Smith is not about to get run over by Allen.
Ravens 30 Bills 23
Week 5
Ravens at Bengals
The Jungle has been waiting on this one, as their anointed one returns from injury to put them back on the map of relevancy. I feel like this will be a wild one, with both quarterbacks putting on a show, but I’m feeling Joe Burrow’s second career win against Jackson on this day.
Bengals 33 Ravens 31
Week 6
Commanders at Ravens
The Ravens are a little angry still after letting a winnable one slip through their hands against the Bengals, and a rookie quarterback coming to the Bank could cure all of their ills. I think the Commanders are going to be one of the league’s most improved teams next season. I also think they get smacked back home with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind.
Ravens 40 Redskins Washington Football Team Commanders 3
Week 7
Ravens at Buccaneers
Lamar Jackson. Baker Mayfield. Remember some of these great battles? The fight for a division in 2018? The fight to make it to a potty in 2020? Ah, good times. Tampa did make the playoffs last year with Mayfield leading the way and it got him a new contract. However, it will not bring him a win in this one.
Ravens 27 Bucs 16
Week 8
Ravens at Browns
<Insert gratuitous joke about no happy ending for Deshaun Watson in this one>
Ravens 23 Browns 16
Week 9
Broncos at Ravens
Remember when the Broncos gave up — let me check my notes — 70 points last year against Miami? That has nothing to do with this one, but it did make me laugh, so there’s that. I kind of see what the Broncos are doing, and I do think Bo Nix was made to play in Sean Payton’s paint-by-number offense. That being said, they aren’t ready for this kind of game yet.
Ravens 34 Broncos 13
Week 10
Bengals at Ravens
Revenge game here for the Ravens, as they get Burrow and company at home. I do think the Bengals are legitimate division and Super Bowl contenders this year, but I also feel that way about the Ravens. Let’s give the teams the split.
Ravens 24 Bengals 20
Week 11
Ravens at Steelers
The Ravens are the better overall team. The Ravens have the better quarterback. The Ravens will finish ahead of Pittsburgh in the standings. This is easy.
Steelers 13 Ravens 10, because we can’t have nice things against Pittsburgh anymore.
Week 12
Ravens at Chargers
The Harbaugh Bowl features brothers as opposing coaches, Greg Roman on the opposing sideline, two star quarterbacks and… that might be the end of the comparisons. The Chargers have a plan and could be a force in a few years. This is not “a few years.”
Ravens 37 Chargers 16
Week 13
Eagles at Ravens
Two of the presumed top teams in the league will be doing battle in Charm City, and I kind of see this one shaping up to be the game of the year for Baltimore. The Eagles should be better simply by improving their coordinators and shaking off whatever that was that bit them at the end of last season. Tough game here.
Eagles 30 Ravens 27
Week 14
Bye
Hello RedZone and naps all day.
Week 15
Ravens at Giants
The NFC East has been historically one of the league’s premier divisions, and the Giants alone have captured four Super Bowl trophies in their history. You know, history is a funny thing. So is the Giants quarterback.
Ravens 41 Giants 13
Week 16
Steelers at Ravens
I know, I know. The Steelers have the Ravens’ number. But I just can’t bring myself to giving them the sweep here. Not again. Not this year.
Steelers 3 Ravens 2… because, of course.
Week 17
Ravens at Texans
Merry Christmas! Unless you play for or work for the Ravens. Then you have to travel away from your family every year so a greedy NFL can make more money off the backs of players. But, on the flip side, I get to watch Lamar Jackson and the Ravens play on Christmas! So, watch I shall! This will be a great match-up between two of the top teams in the league. I’m going to go with the home team.
Texans 24 Ravens 23
Week 18
Browns at Ravens
<Insert gratuitous joke about no happy ending for Deshaun Watson in this one>
Ravens 16 Browns 13
2 Responses
11-6..? Ridiculous.
Ravens will NOT beat KC in KC for season opener. Not a chance. Reid can out-coach “Harbs“ in his sleep.
Look for sub-.500 season in 2024, and a rebuild. Hopefully with a new HC.
And Lamar AIN’T a playoff QB.
I mean to have a sub .500 year, the Ravens would need worse injury luck than the 2021 & 2015 seasons.
Healthy Lamar is 10+ wins. Even the two years where Lamar was injured the team was 8-3 both years prior to Lamar’s injury.
PS. who is your replacement coach since you’re predicting a change?